Deaf Son, Hearing Mother

Expanding and Evolving World View

2012-01-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Get your head around the fact that every human everywhere on the planet has some human experience variation different from yours. The spectrum of experiences is seemingly infinite. Tap into this concept.

I watched this short video. I asked myself what am I doing to expand my world view? How is that expanded view changing the way I want to live?

My answer is below. I'd love to hear from you and know more about how your world view is expanding! Leave a comment or send me an e-mail!

I do the best I can with what I have. I keep coming back to my life purpose as some variation on learning to love and be loved. There are challenges almost every day around that and by being open to looking those challenges in the eye is my life work. Having a Deaf son who demands to be included in this world and a strongly independent daughter who is determined to create her prefered life experience launched my ship from the safe harbor of ignorance. Sink or swim. At times I sing with Dori (from Finding Nemo) "just keep swimming.... just keep swimming..." and at times I am standing in the crow's nest at the top of the mast, wind in my face, shouting "land ho!"

A weaving has appeared to me. I have moments in my life experience where I feel isolated and alone and then moments where I feel deeply connected to all of life and the vastness of the universe. If each moment of my experience were a thread and I imagine them woven together into a tapestry, a living image appears. It's beautiful. This is what I believe my world view is.

It is deep and broad and holds the culmination of the knowledge and awareness gained in each moment of my life up to now. Then quicker than the time it takes to turn my head to look in the other direction, it shifts to include all of the potential that lies ahead of me, from the next moment a moment from now to the years I have left to live in this body of mine.

Happy New Year 2012. I am thrilled to be alive. I am in awe of the tapestry that has formed out of the threads of experiences I have gathered. I summon the courage to prioritize the overwhelming endless array of possibilities that I can choose from this year in becoming who I will be a year from now. Let's be conscious about what we think. Let's continue to create better and better experiences for ourselves through first our thoughts and second our communication with others and the relationships we foster.

Be the Captain of your ship!

Resolving Holidays

2011-12-30T11:21:00.000-08:00

Holidays: Isolation Alone versus Isolation in a Group?

Daniel is just over 5 weeks from turning 21 and it’s Christmas eve.

“Are you going with us tomorrow?” I ask. “We are driving up to grandma and grandpa’s house and all your aunts and uncles will be there. We are exchanging gifts and then having lasagna for dinner.”

Without hesitation, he does that Elvis nose/upper lip wrinkle and the subtle head shaking to let me know it’s not of interest to him.

I stand silent for a moment and he waits for my response, looking around at the walls and then off into the other room. I look at him. Really look at him. My hands instinctively rise to my chest and come to rest over my heart.

We’ve had these conversations before. They evolve each time.

“Shall we stay here with you? I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone.”

Again, without hesitation, he responds. His head pulls slightly back as he looks from my face down to the floor briefly. His brow furrows and he starts shaking his head no and then looks back up; to be interpreted as “no, of course not!”

From there we talk about what he’ll do and what is important to each of us and why.

Daniel and I both realize the true value of the present moment and we both operate from the understanding that we each as individuals have the power to choose our thoughts and our experience. This allows us to openly discuss and thus create experiences that respect each other’s values and desires.

Daniel proceeds to explain, with more clarity than ever before, why he does not want to go with us to grandma and grandpa’s house for Christmas, and to leap ahead a day just for a moment, when I relayed the reasons to the family, they completely understood.

“I’m tired of using you as an interpreter…” he holds his hand up telling me to stop and briefly closes his eyes to say don’t even go there. “I know you do it willingly. That’s not the point. I finally have enough experiences now, going to RIT with Deaf friends, that I know what it is to experience direct communication. I want this direct dialog. Not some warped version of what someone interprets, with parts left out either because they don’t understand what the person is saying or can’t keep up with how fast they are talking.”

He fills in with example after example. “In my University Physics class, I was looking at the professor, and then looked at the interpreter and what they were signing…” (he shows me what they were signing) “was I don’t even know what, but I know what the professor was talking about – a principle of physics that I remember from high school physics. And the interpreter is lost! I’m missing out on the lecture because of this interpreter issue. I want direct communication. I’m tired of this.”

I flash back to Daniel’s decision between his junior and senior year of high school to give one of his interpreters the Interpreter of the Year Award. I will NEVER forget that and I know she won’t either. Lisa Lewis was his interpreter for all of his science classes. She studied the material and was prepared for every class. She knew the concepts, the appropriate signs, and kept Daniel connected with access to the classroom learning as much as possible under the circumstances. The teacher was also very committed to supporting Daniel because Daniel was curious, motivated to learn, and an A student. So kudos to that Righetti High School team.

Once you experience excellence, you don’t ever want to go back to mediocrity or less than. We’ve all had situations where we can look back on an experience and say “well I just didn’t know any different,”

but once we do experience that thing we prefer, we want what we prefer. It’s human nature. It’s built in. Hard-wired.

Knowing all of this, objectively, I assess the situation and continue the discussion with Daniel about Christmas. We talk about what he wants to experience, what I want to experience, and then we come to agreement about how to get both of our needs met and agree to let the imperfections of the whole situation fade into the dark corners of the house. They never completely go away, but we can adjust enough to make life work in the moment.

December 26^th we had our agreed activity together; a hiking adventure in the wilderness of the Santa Monica Mountains. We talked about how he wants to bring Holly and Sam and Kristina* here when they all come to California for Spring Break and maybe hike this same trail. We had a beautiful time together. When we headed out in the car, we had no pre-conceived plans or expectations. We only agreed to go on an adventure together. We drove. We arrived at stop signs and pointed and nodded and discussed what mountain was calling to us. We kept the agenda open so that we could each direct each moment based on how we were feeling each step of the way. The hike ended not because we reached the end of a trail (trails go on for miles in all directions), but because he looked at his water supply and also felt satisfied with the amount of exploration and requested that we head back. I agreed.

Was it a perfect Christmas? How do you define perfect? What’s your focus? Your expectation? My perspective at this point in life is to do the best I can with what I have in each moment. I believe I did, and therefore, how could it be anything other than a perfect Christmas?

*Daniel's roommate Samuel, his girlfriend Kristina, Daniel and his girlfriend Holly are planning spring break at our house in California.

What to expect during the holidays when you have a Deaf child in a hearing family.

Nothing.

Start with nothing.

Next, really look at your expectations. What have they been and why? What do you want that holiday gathering to be like for everyone? What do you want to experience? What do you want others to experience? These questions and answers will help create the scenario you imagine…

Everyone wants to create the same thing, has the ability to do so, and follows through. Above all, be willing to respect other’s preferences. Chances are they will be different from yours. Just respect that and honor their need for a different experience. You are also responsible to identify and voice your own needs and request or invite others to participate in the experience that you prefer. Create balance with listening and love. If you get stuck, turn inward, put your hands on your heart, and feel your way through it.

The Future and Finding Work

2011-12-27T12:27:00.000-08:00

Daniel and I are having one of those late night conversations. We're talking about school and then friends and then his upcoming coop and then tomorrow's plans for he and I to spend time together and then how much debt he is accumulating in student loans and how uncomfortable that is and then how much he enjoys spending time with his girlfriend. The conversation is all over the place. I love these conversations!

Every few minutes I spot another example of how much he and I are alike. He has such integrity and such a solid feel for the big picture and how important planning is. He wants balance in his life. He is very present with whatever he is doing in the moment and does not get caught up in over-planning, and yet keeps what is important for what he wants his future experience to be in mind. He needs his alone time and has the ability to get very focused on a task and can follow it into amazing detail for hours, sometimes late into the night or missing meals because we just get into the flow.

At one point he mentions the upcoming coop with IBM that starts in March. He has just an idea of what this might be like, and it will be his first real work experience. I wonder if he realizes how much the experience will inform him about what his preferences will be going forward. Of course he does. I think there is a mix of expectations, anticipations, and predictions.

As the conversation weaves in and out of all of the aspects of one person's whole life experience, I am reminded of how well rounded, balanced and grounded this young man is. He is by no means average. He has some characteristics and qualities that are outside the normal average person. Being Deaf is just one of those characteristics, and there are other very important ones that are part of the package in this individual.

How will he contribute in society? What are his job skills? Where will he fit in? The first way anybody answers this series of questions is by defining their abilities and their preferences. The next step is identifying where to plug in. Where do these abilities and preferences fit within the current societal conditions? Things are changing quickly and as I look at my understanding of the world and where the most innovative development is occurring and what types of individuals will be contributing there, I am completely confident that Daniel will fit right in.

Tonight I will sleep well, having heard today that my daughter got the job she wanted and that my son is perfectly placed in his exploration of who he is and how he will contribute heart and soul.

Ten Skills for the future Workforce*

Sense-making. The ability to determine the deeper meaning or significance of what is being expressed
Social intelligence. The ability to connect to others in a deep and direct way, to sense and stimulate reactions and desired interactions
Novel and adaptive thinking. Proficiency at thinking and coming up with solutions and responses beyond that which is rote or rule-based
Cross-cultural competency. The ability to operate in different cultural settings
Computational thinking. The ability to translate vast amounts of data into abstract concepts and to understand data-based reasoning
New-media literacy. The ability to critically assess and develop content that uses new media forms and to leverage these media for persuasive communication
Transdisciplinarity. Literacy in and ability to understand concepts across multiple disciplines
Design mind-set. Ability to represent and develop tasks and work processes for desired outcomes
Cognitive load management. The ability to discriminate and filter information for importance and to understand how to maximize cognitive functioning using a variety of tools and techniques
Virtual collaboration. The ability to work productively, drive engagement and demonstrate presence as a member of a virtual team

*Published by Institute for the Future. Also look at this chart and this publication expanding on these 10 skills for the future workforce (See Downloads and click on first link to download the pdf). Keep these in mind and develop these skills in your toddler, kindergartner, fourth grader, and teenager and every step in between. Build them into your IEP's. Model them in your home.

Technology Bridging the Distance

2011-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

Click on the headline to follow the link to an article about Cisco's Technology donation to RIT/NTID. The report has been copied verbatim by Daniel's roommate and business partner, Samual Sandoval, who was one of two Deaf student interns at Cisco this year. Technology continues to be a bridge. Where we find a gap, and want a solution, we use technology to create a bridge.

Moving to a more metaphorical look at improving our life experience, humanity needs to look at the experience on the other side of that bridge. Getting in touch with the reality on the other side (of the gap) will render the bridge itself unnecessary.

Sometimes we become so reliant or even enamored with technology (the bridge), that we forget why we put it there in the first place. It's okay to leave it there or use if for other purposes, but take the time to notice the accomplishment that the bridge has afforded us. Be amazed by it. Appreciate it.

If we create technology like thisTelePresence Center (and acknowledge that prior technology included jet airplanes and the telephone, and prior to that, manned flight and the telegraph, and prior to that ships, etc.), realize that the underlying reason is true connection and better communication and understanding. Remember that it is not ultimately so that Cisco can improve it's financial bottom line (that's just a result, or benefit).

Just remember

what is really important

and imagine

the next desire

and the next bridge.

Multnomah Falls near Portland, Oregon copyright Lori Steed Sortino 2011

Imagine!

Advice for Medical Professionals

2011-12-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

Excellent Video

It takes all of us working together to re-think the words we use. This video does an excellent job of pointing out the areas where we can change the wording of the message so that the delivery of the information is easier to integrate for the parents. My experience when Daniel was identified with a low level of hearing (see I'm practicing!), was that some of the professionals were very good at using more positive language, and some were absolutely ignorant and worse. The ENT (ear, nose, throat specialist) we worked with barely finished delivering the message about the level of hearing just determined when he told us we should see a genetics specialist. That was so inappropriate.

You can help. Share this video with the medical professionals in your life.

Thoughts Lead to Change

2011-10-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

Daniel's post to my facebook wall this morning.

His video of the communication in ASL.

Dear Daniel,

Here's what I think. First of all, on a personal level my observation is that we are alike in this way. When we have an idea for making something better, easier, or simpler, we want that. We share it. We ask for it. Keep doing that.

Secondly, specifically related to your suggestion for having one phone number for each Deaf individual, it makes total sense to me. We all ought to have one phone number. Not just if you're Deaf. Combine with that overall movement and do some research. Who's doing what? What are the hurdles? Most of the time the hurdles are legal contracts and agreements that companies have obtained for the purposes of protecting their businesses. Regardless of our judgment of that, and the inevitable diagnosis of how these legal agreements sometimes choke the overall ability of entities, groups, or organizations' ability to change "the way things are", this remains the way things are at the moment. However, I am a firm believer in riding the wave of change (for the better) and allowing (key word, allowing - not forcing) improvement to take place at every opportunity. The successful change agents in the world don't focus on "what is", they focus on "when is the easiest time to introduce positive change and to what degree can we change things and still keep things flowing as smoothly as possible?"

To summarize, I am proud of you for pursuing wanting to improve a process, and I encourage you to pursue the change in cooperation with the many entities involved in the telecommunications world. Good luck, and keep talking about it, keep seeking to understand why things are the way they are, and stay hopeful that improvement will come with persistent appreciative inquiry.

Thanks for asking me what I think.

Love, Mom

P.S. I love you.

Seeking Brings Transformation

2011-10-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

I came upon this blog post this morning about a family who made the decision to give $52 to charity every week for a year. Reading this post, it was very clear to me, even without reading another one of their weekly posts, that this decision to do something a little out of the ordinary had given them far more than they could have imagined. Read it and then come back.

"I want to have these kinds of experiences!"

Who said that? Did you say that or did I say that out loud?

I don't know if I ever said it out loud, but when I was young, I was magnetized to these kinds of stories and longed to have experiences like these in my life. I come alive when my heart is touched. My spine tingles when events outside my control serendipitously all come together like puzzle pieces with perfect timing to produce a perfect solution.

Let go of thinking you can orchestrate a perfect life. If you're trying to build one, you're trying to hard. When my children were born I had no preconceptions about what I wanted my parenting experience to look like or what I wanted my children to be like. I just had not thought it through. Going into that phase of my life, what I had was these very general desires for these deeply moving life experiences.

Magically, it all came together. There was a day or two immediately following our learning that Daniel had a severe hearing loss where we pushed the reset button and just kind of hung out in the house and retreated from the normal daily activity. That felt very odd to us at the time, because we were young, in our late twenties, and very active people. Now, looking back, I understand completely. I understood at some level at the time, but it was a very new experience to me. Integrate new information. Reality shift.

The essence of it is that I had observed and experienced certain things to that point. Those observations and experiences laid out my pallet of paints with which I painted all of my expectations for life. I had, in my yearning heart, asked for "new colors that will bring my painting to life" and a child with a hearing loss brought many new colors into my life experience. My daughter as well, with her uniqueness brings other different colors to my life. Both challenged my expectations and provided me the opportunity to expand my thinking, broaden my experience base, and deepened my tolerance and understanding of the human experience.

"I thought I was only seeking a very general feel good experience or two." is what I think would be the common response between the 52times52.com couple whose blog I read this morning and myself upon review of my heart's desire when I was young of the kinds of experiences I wanted to have.

The transformation is not exactly what we asked for, but it is most certainly the gift.

"This is so much better than I expected."

Larry Littleton, on Developing Language and More

2011-07-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

I was asked to mentor a young deaf student many years ago.

"Be a role model for him," they asked. ME? A role model?

Looking back, working with Daniel was a profound experience for us both.

I was young. He was way, way younger. He was in the second grade. I was just starting out as a private consultant and motivational speaker.

After a few sessions with Daniel, I realized he was a carbon copy image of ME at that age! Stubborn. Uncooperative. Determined. Sly. Smart. A tornado on the playground!

Gosh, I felt like I was looking at the spitting image of myself when I was in grade school. Only I had blonde hair to his dark locks.

But Daniel had a gleam in his eye. And that's what kept me coming back, week after week.

The long drive from Santa Barbara to Arroyo Grande gave me plenty of time to think. What can I do with this little guy? How can I get through to him?

Can I make a difference in his life?

What can I say if he doesn't look at me?

He tested my patience. But his antics made me look deep inside of myself.

"How would I want to be treated?" "What would I want people to say to me?"

So, I simply listened when he talked. Once he started talking, he didn't want to stop.

I listened. He shared. I learned to ask questions rather than tell him what I knew.

That was what drew him in, and he began to ask good, deep, and hard questions.

Wow...am I teaching this kid, or is he teaching me?

I was sad when our project ended, but I have kept in touch with his family ever since those reflective times.

I was thrilled when I heard he was attending Rochester Institute of Technology, walking the same paths, halls, and tunnels that I did when I attended National Technical Institute for the Deaf.

Did he remember my stories? Nahhh...our time together was just a drop in the bucket for him. But he's a smart kid and knows where he’s been and where he is going.

A major part of Daniel’s success is due directly to his parents, in particular, his mom. I was in awe that his mother knew sign language. Lori believed in Daniel’s innate abilities. She never gave up searching for any means necessary to reach and relate to her son. Her noble efforts have come to fruition. I can only say, “I knew Daniel when…..”

Larry Littleton, CDI

We Hear You, Larry!

2011-06-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

When Daniel was in first grade we began negotiating with the school district with the help of Jo Black, of the Independent Living Resource Center (ILRC). With her help, and about a year of meetings, we were able to convince the district that Daniel needed a language model in addition to what the interpreter provided, which was access to the communication in the classroom between teacher and peers. A language model is someone the student communicates directly with, who is a fluent user of the language the individual is working to acquire, so that language can develop naturally, which is through dialog and conversation in that same language.

The district agreed to hire a language model to work with Daniel twice a week, and Daniel was then in the 2nd grade. Then came the challenge of finding a language model. This had to be someone with exceptional ASL language skills. Months went by and we found no such individual locally who could take the job, and then Jo connected us with Larry Littleton, who agreed to work with Daniel. Larry drove from Santa Barbara to Arroyo Grande in order to work with Daniel (a 90 mile drive). We will be ever grateful for Larry's contribution to Daniel's early language acquisition!

Daniel now goes to school at RIT, the school Larry also attended. Small world, yes. We continue to stay in touch.

click on the blog title to see Larry on video and read a wonderful article about him.

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Random Memories for Mother's Day.

I remember sitting next to the t.v. signing all the spoken parts of videos and DVD's... I remember sitting in movie theaters signing the spoken parts and explaining some of the contextual noises in the movies. I remember taking him to an interpreted musical performance at PCPA in Santa Maria and how nice it was having someone else doing the interpreting. I remember Daniel sitting in the seat part of the grocery cart when he was little, the two of us signing back and forth in front of the dairy section about how it was colder over here by the milk, and a woman coming up and just admiring the sign language. I remember feeling proud of that.

Daniel's card to me said he wished he could have cooked me breakfast for Mother's Day, and that I should save the card and he'll cook for me when he comes to visit.

Share the love today.

Samuel and Daniel, the Entrepreneurs

2011-05-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Daniel and his RIT roommate Samual Sandoval, started DeafTechNews. Their purpose is to bring news about technology to the Deaf Community. Pretty simple. And they seem to be having a lot of fun doing it. Check it out!

Determination Beyond Limitations

2011-04-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Take fifteen minutes to appreciate this woman's story about growing up legally blind with parents who chose to do what they could to have her believe she was not different; not disabled.

Reflecting on Soccer and Community

2011-04-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

There are challenges and opportunities in every new adventure with a Deaf son. When we signed him up for soccer, from kindergarten on, each year built on the previous year’s experience, and each new season had new challenges for us with Daniel’s development and current set of circumstances. Each year, a different set of kids brought new lessons, new ideas, and new options for creating a soccer team that could work together and have a good time.

Daniel's first year of soccer. All great kids and great families.

Joe and I both coached Daniel’s teams through the years. One year it was me, another year it was Joe and another boy’s dad, another year it was Joe and I together, and then one year we decided neither of us would take the coaching role so that we could completely support Daniel and give him the opportunity to be coached by someone other than one of his parents.

Daniel's second year, with me as coach - Joe and I both holding the banner.

As I learned to sign, I learned ASL and pigeon sign and sim-com (where you attempt to sign in English word order at the same time you are speaking, doing the best to keep context and content in the signs being used). My brain was at capacity when I had to round up the kids, keep them focused, physically chase down Daniel if he was not looking at me, speak and sign instructions, answer questions about the drill, what that sign meant, what Daniel was doing/saying, and not step in any gopher holes. I was out of RAM, basically. So I would lose track of some of it when it got too intense.

In 1989, Daniel was placed on a team randomly, by the computer scheduling software, and we were notified of the outcome. By the grace of (insert who or what you believe controls the universe here), his coaches were Johnnie and Mike. Their sons were on their team (which is a guarantee when you agree to coach) and I knew them both. Johnnie and Mike were cooperative in planning, gave me time in practice to show the boys some basic signs for communicating with Daniel on the field so that they could tell him what they were planning to do, such as “I’ll pass the ball to you” or “I’ll send the ball down the line – you go.” To communicate each of those things only require eye contact and one simply movement. It was easy and when they remembered to do it, they felt a sense of accomplishment and felt good about including Daniel.

Area 10Q Region 83 (Arroyo Grande AYSO) 1998

It wasn’t perfect. They would ramp up in a scrimmage and forget to do the sign. They would yell at him while his back was turned. He would sign to them and they would not look at him. He would run for a pass and yell “I’m open” just like we taught him, and if his teammate would make some other choice, Daniel would get frustrated. After not being rewarded with the ball after making several runs, he would stop running. And we would just keep at it with all of them. Just like any other normal team – just with a few nuances that were unique to ours.

With all of these series of experiences, we build community. Some of these boys crossed paths several times, even though in high school they went to different schools. Kyle, Tyler and Daniel took their SAT tests together. Austin and Daniel both competed in throwing shot put and discus during high school track season.

Johnnie and I started running together a couple of years after this season and ran together until I moved to Moorpark. Accepting challenges and working together to create the experiences we all want to have is what it’s all about. I am taking a moment to remember all the soccer teams I coached and supported and all the kids over the years who would come up to me and say “you’re Daniel’s mom” to which I would respond with a big smile.

With gratitude,

Lori

A Card from Max

2011-03-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Collected the mail from the mailbox.

Envelope with personal handwriting… card shaped envelope.

From friends in Texas! Opened it eagerly. Love hand written cards from friends.

Inside the card:

Lori,

Several times a year I send a letter to someone or have a conversation with somebody about life with a deaf son and my punch line is always “the places we have gone, the people we have met and the things we have done I never thought we could do, make my life with a deaf child something I wouldn’t trade for any other.”

And the place I always think of is Pismo Beach state park; the equcalyptus trees, the monarch butterflies, the picture of Nick tenderly holding 2 monarchs in his hands. What a place!

Reminds me of a poem (Barter by Sara Teasdale)

“Life has loveliness to sell

All beautiful and splendid things”

Thanks for Pismo.

Unforgettable.

Pmax (Max Wilhite)

I met Max and Charlotte Wilhite when Daniel was only 5. Their son Nick was 6. At the time, Max was the American Society for Deaf Children (ASDC) Chapter President in Ft. Worth. I attended a few of their meetings, as I was working in the area at that time, commuting between Texas and California. We became fast friends and I invited them to the CAL-ED/IMPACT conference the following spring, which was held in San Jose, if I remember correctly. As part of their California tour following the close of the conference, they spent some time with us in Arroyo Grande, where we took them to see the monarchs, as Max mentioned, and we went Whale Watching from Morro Bay.

Notice he doesn’t mention that whale watching in his note because not only did we NOT see whales that day, but I got sea sick and spent most of the trip on my back on the boat deck staring at the sky trying to keep from being sick. Meanwhile, my extremely active (and excited to be on a boat) son Daniel was ‘bothering’ the other passengers. Butting his way into a space so he could see better without saying anything, and not responding when they talked to him. The usual. I just remember getting off the boat, hugging the dock and then apologizing to people as they got off the boat.

I also remember Nick picking lemons from our lemon tree in the back yard and all of us drinking lemonade smoothies that I made with them in the blender. Good times!

More and more of that visit are coming back to me. Oh gosh I remember the boys in the back seat of the car on the way back (a four hour drive to our house from the conference), and how Daniel would poke Nick and Nick would complain. We thought the boys would do really well together and they didn’t exactly.

Daniel and Nick were roommates for a two week long summer program when they were in their teens. It was at Gallaudet University and was called the Summer Academy. It was a great program that accepted High School Honors Students and taught them study habits and enrichment 1/2 day and toured Washington D.C. the other half of the day. I think it’s nice when there is familiarity going into programs like that.

As for Max and Charlotte and myself, we have kept in touch and I visit them once in a while in Texas. Charlotte is the best cook in Texas and the best scrapbooker I have ever met. Max is gentle, pensive, and genuine. Nick is studying at Gallaudet University.

Charlotte, Max, Nick, and working dog Hannah.

I too am grateful for what raising a deaf son has brought into my life. Thanks, Max, for the moment of reflection today.

Hiking a Trail, Turning a Corner

2011-02-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

My day today...

Today I found out another mom who has two deaf children who are grown and no longer teens lives in Moorpark. I am SO excited! We went for a hike together today. She has a cool GPS watch.
Distance: 4.00 mi
Elevation Gain: 503 ft
Calories: 372 C
Time: 01:17:55
Avg Speed: 3.1 mph
Avg Pace: 19:28 min/m

She has been here in Moorpark the whole time I have been here. Why did it take us this long to find each other? Oh well, I’m just happy to have found her now. She also has been involved in IMPACT in the past and worked at CSD and now works for a program serving families with young deaf children. Yea!

A year ago, Daniel was finishing his second quarter of college and getting ready to come see me and Thomas for his spring break. I had been in Moorpark for not quite five months and was still a very new Empty Nester. I entered a blog post about moving my things from my townhome in Grover Beach into Thomas’ smaller home in Moorpark.

What has transpired in a year, for me, the mom of two grown kids with no more teenagers, and where am I mentally and emotionally? Where is Daniel and how has he changed in the past year? This year, instead of having no other idea where to go for spring break other than coming home to see me, he applied for a Habitat for Humanity Spring Break Project, so he’s going to North Carolina next week. I’m thrilled and he’s excited!

Thomas began working from home (although he does travel quite a bit so he’s not home all the time) about a year ago, and with me being a work from home entrepreneur, our 850 square foot home is busting at the seams. Remember all of that stuff I unloaded in the garage? Half of it’s still there. There is just nowhere to put it. We’ve sold stuff, given away stuff, put up shelving in closets and racks in the garage rafters and we’re still over capacity. A lot of people down-size at this point in their life, but this is feeling pretty drastic.

For an artist who loves to have space to create in, I am especially traumatized. Strong word, but although it wasn’t one big trauma, the stress that it creates inside of me, built up day after day, is the equivalent of trauma. I’m just now realizing this. I started seeing specialists last summer for recurring migraines that were getting worse, stronger, and lasting longer. What I know now, is that the migraines were/are symptoms of a lot of stuff built up over time.

The last six + months have been about healing myself and discovering what I need in order to be healthy. It turns out, among other things, one of the things is personal space and space to create in. There are a lot of other things in the whole package of a healthy me, but this is an important piece.

I take clues from my emotions. Whenever I get emotional about something, I pay attention because I know it means something. I was watching that movie Julie and Julia a while back, and there’s a scene where Julia Child and her husband are moving into a new house and she walks into the kitchen and puts a hand over her mouth in awe and expresses the excitement over moving into her new kitchen. My heart just about exploded and tears came to my eyes. At the time, I took note of it, but was not completely sure what it was about.

I thought it meant I wanted to move into a new house, and that may be true, but as I get clearer, I know it is more specifically about having the space to create. Julia Child created dishes (of food), so the kitchen represented her creative space. At the heart and soul level, watching the story unfold on the screen in that movie, I so identified with her delight in her new creative space that I emotionally connected with that scene.

The other thing Julia Child was going through in the movie that I identified with, was that she was looking for the thing that would make her happy – her creative outlet. She eventually discovered that it was cooking, as we now know. As an empty nester, I have also been reviewing the world full of possibilities of things I might do with the rest of my life, besides or in addition to being a photographer and facilitator. At this age and time in life, many of us go through something like this.

As a side note, I recently discovered a wonderful blog on this topic – I recommend it if you’re interested in the topic of being middle aged and exploring what to do with the rest of your life from this point on.

So, Thomas and I, cramped in our tiny house, seeing our neighbors across the street put their house on the market in November, started wondering if we could maybe buy a bigger house. Yes sometimes a sign has to go up outside my office window for me to catch a clue. So for almost three months, we’ve been exploring that possibility, and so far, resources are not quite enough to make it possible to improve our overall situation.

However!

Good has come from all of this. The neighbor’s house up for sale motivated us to drive around and just look. That resulted in us seeing this incredible house on a hill with the most incredible space – I could imagine doing so many things in that living room. We could not afford that house, but it gave me a vision.

Next, we found a house in a great area with an addition in the back that I again could imagine doing so many creative things. We pulled together everything we had and made an offer. Someone else beat us to it and they bought the house, but it gave me another vision.

Next we looked at a home in Thousand Oaks, and that gave me another whole set of imaginings around what it would be like to live there and the possibilities of how life might be different there. It turned out we could not afford that home either, but it surfaced some things for me that in just processing them mentally, freed me from some things that had been really weighing me down and holding me back.

Despite the disappointment of not having the resources at the moment to bring these things to reality, the actions we have taken have resulted in sparking my imagination as well as resolving some issues that go brought to the surface. I had been quite stuck and this has really helped. I know I’ll get to a “next step” solution to my need for creative space. How do I know? I can feel it. Besides that, the neighbors took their sign down.

Tonight I watched a few episodes of Deserving Design and found myself feeling the same way as when I saw that scene in Julie and Julia. My heart felt like it was expanding and I felt so warm and felt so much appreciation. I was brought to tears watching people receive these incredible make-overs to rooms in their homes. For now, this is enough. I remain connected to possibility and will continue trying on new ideas. Spring is just a month away and the poppies on our back yard are already blooming.

###

Image credits

Images were found via google image search. I do not have copyright to any of the images and will remove/replace them if requested.

Girl hugged by words was found at http://paulwilkinson.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/blog-hug-james-sword1.jpg

De-Clutter Mind Map copyright Paul Foreman http://mindmapinspiration.com

Photo of Meryl Streep as Julia Child http://frocktalk.com/?p=1432

Babysitter Nicole

2011-02-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

Our family babysitter when Daniel was born was Nicole. I just received a facebook message from her I wanted to share:

Nicole (last name removed for privacy) February 19 at 1:37pm

Hi Lori! I ran into someone last night that you all know...Deborah (last name removed for privacy) from Righetti (transcriber for the Deaf and Hearing Impaired). She was at a spa event I was doing last night and the conversation led to what she did for a living. I asked if she knew Daniel and she lit up! She had glowing things to say about him and you and Joe. She called Daniel a "success story" and was very excited that he is at RIT! It was fun to reflect back (yet again) on babysitting for your family and to be able to share (via FB) their successes! Deborah is a sweet person and we had a fun time chatting.

Hope all is going wonderful for you!
Nicole

Daniel is Twenty.

2011-02-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

Wow. End of an era. I no longer have a teenager and he's no longer a teen. He's quite delighted. I appreciate all the great memories of both of my kids' teenage years!

I celebrate this face!

A preschool photo of Jen and Daniel

A family portrait when Daniel was about 9.

Jen and Dan as teenagers! Good times.

Daniel at Jr. High Graduation with his interpreters, Valerie, Roxanne, and Kathy

Atop Lassen Peak, Summer 2010

I flew over the Lassen area last week and took some photos from the air...

Happy Birthday Daniel!

May your life continue to be full of adventure and exploration.

Deaf Can Do Anything...

2010-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

Shortly after we learned about Daniel's hearing loss, as part of the process of educating ourselves, we contacted many agencies and people to learn as much as we could about Deaf Culture. In 1992 or '93 I contacted Bob McMahon at the Deaf Action Center in Dallas, Texas. We met over dinner and he brought along a sign language interpreter. I asked him many questions and he patiently answered. Before parting, he gave me a bumper sticker with this phrase, "Deaf People Can Do Anything Except Hear". It summarizes the best advice for the attitude to have and Daniel lives it.

Just came across this YouTube video with the same message.

“Deaf people can do anything, except hear.”- I. King Jordan (Former President of Gallaudet University)

Text Me

2010-10-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

About the time Daniel's father and I realized he was not hearing, the first commercial text message was sent (Dec 1992).

If you were going to choose a time to be born with hearing loss, this would be the time. Being born at the same time as the technology that would level the playing field for the Deaf in many ways has been a serendipitous event, from my point of view.

As Daniel was learning to read, the National Association for the Deaf was creating and managing a large nationwide library of captioned media (mostly videos and DVD's).

Daniel learned his first swear word (damn) from a captioned movie.

About the time Daniel was ready and interested in becoming social, he utilized the availability of internet gaming and learned to make friends and discovered how his various behaviors either attracted or offended others. By using the interaction in games like Star Craft and World of Warcraft, he learned cooperation, strategy, and the art of banter... all with a level playing field, where everyone was reading and typing. The fact that he wasn't using any hearing didn't impede his progress.

I invite a dialog.
Watch this video, let the "facts" flash before you, and ponder the question at the end. Leave your own personal answer and/or your comments below.

ASL Poetry

2010-09-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Poetry In Motion

Our friend Terrylene is performing this week at Deaf West Theatre...

This reminds me of my first exposure to ASL Poetry in an interpreting class I had with Laura Lippincott at Hancock College in Santa Maria, Ca. She showed a video of ASL Poetry, and I later bought a copy. The hands dance, telling a story. The face adds mood and emotion. The body displays the energy of the poetry. It's a fully alive style of poetry a human being expresses and is very moving.

Daniel responded extremely well to ASL poetry at a young age and it influenced his signing style. We played with it and I told him visual stories with a poetic or dramatic style often at bed time. Sometimes I read to him using sign language, pulling the language to life from the English words on the pages of a children's storybook. Many times he requested his favorites of my own version of fairy tales, adapted to American Sign Language in a style all my own. Part mime, part poetry, part ASL storytelling.

I enjoyed this aspect of our relationship so much... exploring language and story in this expressive way. Today, Daniel's ability to express himself is rich and full. He is adept at ASL and has a pretty good handle on English. I attribute this to the fact that we gave him a lot of tools to experiment with growing up, and he took those he enjoyed and could use and made them his own.

Spring Break: Day Two

2010-03-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

Meeting Norman Seeff

Kiho Sohn, Chief Knowledge Officer, escorts us into the Learning Center at Pratt & Whitney Rocketdyne, Inc. in Canoga Park at 11:15 a.m.

Before we even get inside the building, Daniel asks Kiho “What is your job?”

“Knowledge Management.” He says, smiling.

“Wow.” Daniel responds, thinking about that for a minute. “So you know everything?”

Kiho laughs. “No. I facilitate.”

I break from the interpreter role because I can (I am the mom, after all, not really a real interpreter, so I can break the interpreter code!) “His group facilitates everyone else learning and gaining the knowledge they need to do their job.”

“oh, okay!” he says as Kiho holds the door open for us.

Daniel looks around the room, immediately connecting with the energy involved in creating the rocket, missile, and space shuttle engines on display in the room. He signs his interpretation of the feeling he gets, using a fist to represent power and knowledge; not a fist as you would use to hit someone, but a fist you would hold up to represent overcoming great challenges; victory.

We walk over to the honored guest of the day and introduce ourselves to Norman Seeff. I explain that Daniel will be taking in things visually and that I’ll be interpreting for him. Daniel tells Norman he’s looking forward to the presentation. Norman is kind and gracious, and looks Daniel in the eye.

“You’ll like it. There is great emotion in this. You’ll see in the interviews in the video clip…” he points to the large video screens hanging in the front of the room “ – they are very passionate and you can see it… clearly.”

Daniel nods and then signs “Great! I look forward to it!”

Kiho then motions Daniel over to one of the displays, and on the way, Daniel asks him about the engine they walk past.

“Nuclear fueled? Why is that?”

Kiho explains that for long distances, such as to Jupiter, for example, if takes a lot of fuel to go that far. Normal rocket fuel is very heavy. Nuclear is a way to get a lot more energy with less weight. Simple.

“Ohhh! That makes sense!” Daniel says, and they move over to a glass case and Kiho begins to tell him about these engine parts.

I interpret, and at the same time, in between the moments of processing language in, language out, I am observing and noticing the very different experience I am having because I am with Daniel.

I’ve been to Rocketdyne. I’ve been to the Learning Center. I know Kiho. I’ve had lunch with him and been in workshops with him, but because I’m standing next to a Deaf 19 year old, I get to hear and observe a whole other conversation I would have not had with Kiho myself. It’s fascinating and I love it. They talk of physics and efficiency and chemistry and Daniel asks Kiho which of all in the room is his (Kiho’s) favorite part (as in engine part). Kiho stands for a moment, gazing into the carpet. Then he looks back at Daniel and answers.

“That blade right there. I once spent three months with that blade, studying its temperature.”

Daniel was delighted with the insight his question and Kiho’s answer gave him.

“Wow! Three months!”

Cade was genuinely interested in Daniel and asked him numerous questions such as where he goes to school and what he’s studying. Daniel asks Cade “What is your job here?” to which he replies “root cause analysis.” The slowness of my production of that answer in sign causes some laughter. I turn to Cade and explain that I’m searching my data bank (brain) for the correct sign(s) for the phrase in order to give the correct context. Cade keeps asking questions, his face beaming with fascination and interest.

A woman comes up and interjects with a question for Cade about something work related and reference to this afternoon and his whole face changes to this heavy overwhelming look and he says to her “oh I’m just swamped!” and after she walks away and he turns back to Daniel, all his energy comes right back. He encourages Daniel to come back some time and take a tour of the facility. Daniel smiles and replies “maybe this summer!”

Cade comments how much fun it is to watch the signing and I can tell he is fascinated with the learning opportunity at hand. Kiho is standing patiently next to the cone shaped nozzle (one of three on a space shuttle engine) which looks to be 5 or 6 feet in diameter at the base, and we walk over to him. He is obviously anxiously waiting to impart further knowledge on young Daniel. The three of us stand and face the interior of the nozzle where the fuel is injected into tiny tubes and ignites to propel the ship forward or upward, in this case.

As we talk, our voices echo in the nozzle chamber, which is an experience Daniel misses. They are talking so fast I don’t have an opportunity to comment on it. We move around to the side of the engine and Kiho asks Daniel if he has been to Hoover Dam. Daniel nods.

“This space shuttle engine configuration has the power of 25 Hoover Dams.

“Wow!”

“Yes, we don’t talk in horse power, we talk in dam power!”

Daniel laughs. “Well I’d like to have one of these on my car some day.” and Kiho laughs. Then his phone rings, and he excuses himself to go escort some more visitors into the Learning Center.

Next we say hello to Felix and do all the typical introductions, and Daniel’s standard first question follows.

“What is your job with the company?”

“I’m a rocket scientist,” Felix says.

“What’s your area of specialization?” Daniel asks

“Propulsion…” and he explains a little bit more as another person comes up to meet Daniel. And this continues until we sense that everyone is sitting down and it’s time for the presentation to start.

We take our seats at the far left end of the first row, where I can pull the chair out in front of the row and face Daniel and still have the ability to turn sideways and see the front of the room.

I see Barnet Bain sitting in the third row and run over to give him a hug and whisper “My son is here with me, I’d love for you to meet him!”

Barnet follows me back over to Daniel and they are introduced.

Bill Bellows, the host representing Rocketdyne's Enterprise Thinking Network, steps to the front of the room with a microphone, welcomes everyone, explains briefly that this is the In2:InThinking Network monthly Ongoing Discussion event, and introduces Norman Seef.

Norman explains that he comes from a background of and experience as a medical doctor, where he was taught in medical school to separate completely from his emotions in order to “serve” the patient. This clearly did not sit well with him. He told of a repeated experience observing people die with absolutely no emotional support from the physician, and once he’d had that experience to the point of saturation, he walked away from the profession.

He moved to New York and decided to do what seemed at the time the most opposite of medicine; something creative. He walked the streets of Manhattan with a Pentax camera his father had given him and set out to be a photographer.

I’m interpreting, and certainly Daniel is attentive, but I am just eating this up as Norman conveys his next point by retelling it in probably fourteen different ways, and repeats some of them more than once. His point is that most people believe that you have to figure it all out before you can “do” it. In this case, if we want to be a photographer, we might take on the belief that we have to learn all of the technical aspects first before we can say we are a photographer or begin the path of a photographer. Well much to my delight, Norman plunks his hand right down inside my chest, pulls my beating heart out and holds it up with that victorious fist and speaks my truth to the whole room.

Norman’s words fly off my hands. We are connected at the soul level. Every belief and truth Norman speaks, could have come from me. I find myself signing with conviction and in the process, realizing this whole experience is validating me. A man who began in the same way I did with photography is standing in front of all of us telling me I’m doing it the right way; in his mind, the only way.

Wait.

I can hear some of you out there saying “wait! What are you talking about? You can’t just announce one day that you’re a photographer and that’s it. You can’t walk out the door of your apartment or house and out onto the street with a camera in your hand and wah-lah, suddenly you’re a photographer.”

But we did. Norman and I.

Perhaps several decades apart in our announcing and stepping into our newly declared role, but we both did this.

Norman talks about the first stage of the creative process, which is the realization of the dream. With this example, it’s our dream of being photographers.

The next stage we process all the emotions and inner (and outer) voices trying to keep us from our dream. This would be you out there, telling us we can’t just declare ourselves photographers. This would be our inner voice telling us we are not worthy, we don’t have what it takes, or we can’t possibly make a living at this. This would be all of our fears and worries and doubts, coming to the surface, keeping us immobile; keeping us from moving forward with our dream.

When do we exactly “begin” something like this anyway? Why would we wait until we’ve gotten a degree, diploma, certification, training, or specific approval or acceptance? Norman points out that we begin our dream the moment we realize the idea and connect with it emotionally. The sooner we claim it the better.

He shows a clip of his interview with Herbie Hancock, where Herbie retells his experience of receiving a piano as a birthday gift when he was five and yet he still went through two years of college as an engineering major before he gave up fighting his dream of being a musician and committed to it full time and with his whole heart.

There are mixed messages here about gaining skill, knowledge, and technical ability; about becoming proficient. Yet, Norman’s message is clearly “the technical part comes when you engage your heart and your emotions.”

I continue to connect with the messages Norman shares. Daniel takes it all in. Once in a while I glance out into the room and notice the true engagement in people in the content being presented, especially when Norman shows about 20 minutes of his documentary “Triumph of the Dream” highlighting the team at JPL's jet propulsion lab which designed and built some of the systems on the Mars Land Rover.

Norman interviews members of the team, and in the piece of the film he shows, he’s interviewing the man who had the vision that ultimately ended up a reality being driven across the surface of Mars. He asks Charles (I think that was his name) about the moment that the idea or the answer came to him about how to solve this land rover problem. Charles retells the moment with complete detail and it was then years ago. Norman listens and then continually asks “and what were you feeling?” until Charles talks about how he was feeling frustrated and angry and impatient (wanting a solution). This is the kind of man that wants to solve something and the idea of giving up is just not an option.

Norman’s film clips, personal testimony and interviews, compel the audience to see that an emotionless mechanistic assembly-line paradigm is going to hinder rather than help the creative process. Norman Seeff, who stands with enormous credibility as a filmmaker and photographer who has clearly been very successful creatively, shares the secrets of his process. He shares that he learned it very early on, by being open and emotionally real and vulnerable with his clients. And the result is a human to human connection and relationship which then allows the subject (in the photographer’s studio) to be real and open up to Norman, which enables Norman to capture this realness with the camera.

From that long ago start as a photographer in New York to now, Norman observed and now studies the relationship between our emotions and the creative process, from the emergence of a dream to the triumph (realization or completion) of the dream, and is clearly passionate about sharing this “secret” with anyone who wants a piece of the action.

Norman’s point is that each human wants deep down to be connected to something that has meaning to us. When we allow another person or persons in our presence, in our group, or in our team to connect with what that is for them personally, and hold the space for them to engage in that dream, we have allowed another to fully live.

I am now lost in my words and Norman’s words and I can’t tell which are his and which are mine. He has fueled and encouraged me and obviously Daniel as well. After the close of the presentation, Barnet Bain comes over to say good-by and asks Daniel for his thoughts.

“It’s like when my math teacher tells everyone you can’t divide by zero, period. Well I think we need to just look at that another way. What does dividing something by zero really mean?”

Barnet’s face lights up and they seem to be communicating while I try to stay caught up, signing and voicing, not completely certain if I understand what I’m signing and voicing, and at the same time quite sure I am following since the ideas are flowing through me. Is it possible to be certain and uncertain at the same time? Of course. This was another of Norman’s points he made over and over. We creative people push right through the uncertainty. If we didn’t, we would not move forward.

I glance over at the rocket engine with its unmistakable symbolism of pushing forward and recall Norman’s delight as he shared the experience of going into the jet propulsion lab for the first time, expecting to meet hard-logic, linear engineer types, and finding very emotional, deeply passionate individuals. His point was that we are all capable of being creative, and the process is the same for all of us, regardless of whether we are rock starts or rocket scientists. The emotional aspects and passion are irreplaceable stages in the creative process.

This whole event is taking place in a room full of manifested rocket engines that were originally just ideas and thoughts. Daniel, in looking around the room, came up with the feeling of overcoming great challenges; victory. Norman’s choice for his documentary title Triumph of the Dream seems to match Daniel’s gut read.

Barnet and Daniel shake hands and he and I hug and we head over to say good-by to Norman. We wait for a couple people who had been standing by Norman to finish their questions or comments. Then Norman sees Daniel and they both begin speaking at once. Not an issue for the hearing people, but a challenge for the interpreter. I decide to speak Daniel’s part first and then sign Norman’s comment to Daniel.

“I really enjoyed the presentation.”

“I’m so glad you were here. ”

“The words were very powerful.”

“Yes! I’m glad you found them so. How else did it affect you?”

“Well it’s like when my math teacher says you can’t divide by zero, I take that as a philosophical challenge.”

Norman looks at me and says “I think he’s already integrated this creative process.”

I nod as I sign his words so that Daniel knows what he said.

Daniel smiles, smugly, nodding eagerly, as though he can’t wait for whatever’s next.

Then Norman says “I’d like to know how to contact you” talking to Daniel, “so that when we have another event in the future, I can invite you.”

Daniel and I are unprepared. I am out of cards and we don’t have paper or pen, but while we are digging in pockets and purse, and stammering, two or three people say to Norman, we’ve got their contact information. We can connect you to him.

Norman looks relieved. He and Daniel shake hands and he reaches for mine, but I lean in for a hug. He quickly accepts and hugs me back. We wave and walk away, full, in an emotional, spiritual, intellectual sense. What a great day.

My final thoughts.

Being Daniel’s mom has brought experience after experience like the one today into my life. Having this incredible person for a son, who just happens to be Deaf, just seems to facilitate connection for both of us, time and time again.

If Daniel had not been with me today, I would have still met Norman Seef. I would have still chatted with Barnet Bain. I would have still conversed with rocket scientists. Yet, somehow I know, the conversations were richer, and I’ll say expanded beyond what they would have been because of who Daniel is, the relationship he and I have built, and because of the fascination people have with sign language. The final element I am realizing just now, is that both Daniel and I are space holders. Each of us are individuals who just set a comfort level with others when we approach them that allows them to feel comfortable to be themselves, ask whatever questions they have about sign language, or what it’s like to be a college student or what his thoughts or perspective might be on this or that.

This reminds me again of Norman’s point that each human wants deep down to be connected to something that has meaning. When we allow another person in our presence to connect with what brings them joy, and hold the space for them to engage in that joy, we have allowed another to fully live. Yes, even in the little things that we don’t fully recognize as part of the pursuit of a specific dream, like engaging in a conversation with a Deaf person who uses sign language, can expand our thinking, add just enough variety to our day to make it special, and perhaps some day provide part of the data for an answer or a solution we are seeking. You never know where the insight and inspiration will come from.

How lucky are we to have each other and we are both truly blessed by every approach of every person who inquires with honor and respect, to know who we are and how we think, and in turn, welcomes us into the fold of humanity and community.

That’s all we ever wanted.

Day Two of Spring Break 2010

2010-02-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

Sunday.

Picked Daniel up at LAX last night, drove to Simi and ate at ChiChi's Italian (pizza, pasta, and fresh hot sourdough rolls). We arrived home and watched a movie together and then went to sleep! Yea sleep! Yea for no interruptions.

So now I'm up at 7 again and feeling much more well rested. I was thinking pancakes and scrambled eggs with bacon, and Thomas says "how about breakfast burritos?" and I think that's a great idea, too, so this becomes our plan.

I make coffee, start cooking bacon, put eggs in the bowl, and start making banana bread muffins as well. Thomas comes into the kitchen and starts to help.

We finish cooking and baking; the house now filled with the aroma of bacon and banana bread, and I am thinking Daniel was really tired. And he must be having good dreams of good food!

10:17 I hear him get up... he heads to the shower and we get stuff ready to go hiking. It rained so much yesterday, Thomas and I think it will be fun to go find a waterfall in Thousand Oaks, so that's where we go.

At Paradise Falls, two guys who appear to be in their twenties are there with their dog "Dirt". One of the guys climbs up the rocks and jumps off the cliff into the water at the bottom of the waterfall. This is entertaining, but I know someone died in one of these creeks less than a year ago and it may have been doing something similar to this!

All in all it is a very fun day of sunshine and exercise... oh and mud.

Spring Break 2010 Begins

2010-02-27T15:13:00.000-08:00

The alarm goes off at midnight. It is four hours before departure time (7 a.m. eastern time), and I can check Daniel in for his flight.

I log on to the computer, check him in, shut down and go back to sleep.

2:07 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE
"Did you tell the driver where exactly to go to?"

I set up the taxi, so he's standing outside in the dark, cold and snow at 5:07 a.m. eastern time, wondering if the cab driver knows how to find him. I assure him and let him know they aren't scheduled to show up until 5:30 and will probably be early and show up around 5:20. I notice it's raining heavily outside and decide not to mention it. I doze off again.

2:25 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE

"On cab, going to airport now :)"

A moment of celebration and then I doze off again.

2:36 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE

"OK I'm at airport..."

Another moment of celebration and I doze off.

4:01 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE

"They put me on the 11 flight."

Ahhh... the 7 a.m. flight went out full (he's on stand-by) and they have placed him on the list for the next flight. We text back and forth about the situation and he goes off to find food and I go back to dream land.

I wake up at 7 pacific time. I notice the rain has stopped. I look out the window at the wet gray world, slowly stand up and stumble step about the house in my morning routine. Sitting at my desk, sipping my cup of coffee, I glance up at Thomas who has just walked in and comment "this isn't working like it normally does."

Sun appears and disappears and the rain slips back into the scene quietly and then gradually the intensity increases until it's raining heavily again. This continues throughout the morning.

8:07 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE

"There is also another Deaf girl on stand-by. Her father works for Delta. We chatted for a while and then I guess she got bored and left. : / "

Upon reading this text, I say to Thomas "THIS is why it's so great he's going to that school... there are so many Deaf people in Rochester, things like this just happen. That's all he ever wanted. The ability to communicate with the people around him."

8:24 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE

"Yay! I'm on the flight"

Leg one begins. Rochester to Chicago.

11:02 a.m. TEXT MESSAGE

"Just landed in Chicago. Going to find my departure gate."

I reply with K7.

11:10 am. TEXT MESSAGE

"btw chicago snow looks pathetic compared to Rochester hahaha! :)"

Buffalo in October, 2006, 2 1/2' of snow Photo Credit Ray Puff

Buffalo is about 50-60 miles from Rochester

Two more of Ray's snow pictures (thank you Ray)...

We send numerous text messages back and forth about the Chile earthquake and tsunami warnings, the fact that he wants pizza when he gets here, fast food facts, and the type of aircraft he's flying on to LAX. I adjust my thinking once I'm reminded that he's now sitting in the central time zone and no longer eastern time.

I look out the window and watch the rain falling straight down as in this photo at right that I found via Google image search.

I notice it is about boarding time.

Thunder booms in the background somewhere out there in Moorpark.

12:52 p.m. TEXT MESSAGE series

In summary, he teases me saying his plane will be a 707, but then confesses it's really a 767.

1:23 p.m. pacific time

Daniel reports the plane is just now pulling into the gate. Departure time was 3:05 central time.

The sun is now shining brightly in Moorpark.

New ETD is 4:00 and Daniel comments that he is missing Rochester snow already. I think he's just bored sitting at the gate.

I go to help Thomas bring the groceries in and we put them away while Daniel boards his flight. We make lunch while he taxi's out at ORD.

The flight is now due to land at 6:45 p.m., an hour and 15 minutes late. Not too bad considering it's really still winter and he connected in Chicago! I'll share more of our spring break experiences, but for now, I'm off to LAX.

:-D

Rocks Rock

2010-02-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

It’s Saturday February 13^th and Thomas and I are looking forward to dinner out tonight to celebrate Valentine’s Day (a day early). I am working on a project in the back yard and enjoying the sun. It’s a beautiful day. A text comes in from Daniel; he’s out with his roommate Samuel, shopping for snacks and what not, and he wants to buy a small vacuum as well. Hurray! This means they might clean their dorm room! ;-)

Of course he wants money (to help pay for all this). This is a typical request. However, near the end of the text messages back and forth, he says he wants to VP (meaning talk on the video phone). I have not set up the VP since I moved from Grover Beach to Moorpark, but we do have skype and a Web cam set up, so I offer this instead of the VP. He accepts. I go back to my project.

We have a dirt path that leads from the concrete patio out through the back yard. About a foot out from the patio the water running off the roof when it rains creates a small rut in the path and splashes the dirt up onto the patio. In the area where we live, the dirt and top soil is full of rocks of various sizes, shapes, and geological origins and make up. Digging in the yard and moving dirt is like a treasure hunt for those of us who think that rocks are cool (that would be Daniel and I both). I’ve collected up rocks I’ve found in the dirt over the course of a few months and am now laying them into the path in the area where the rain water falls.

I think of Daniel as I lay the rocks and our mutual love for rocks. I remember all the times we’ve picked up rocks at the beach or on a hike, and rushed to show the other person how it sparkles or the color or pattern in the rock. I think of him wandering around in Target looking for a vacuum and comparing prices. He has become quite the bargain hunter and loves to brag about how much money he has saved when he finds something for the lowest price after comparison shopping.

As the sun dips behind the uphill neighbor’s tree, I realize it’s time to finish up and leave for dinner. I take one last look at the rocks and am pleased. I shower and begin to gather things getting ready to leave. Another text from Daniel comes in saying he’s ready to skype.

“We’re just getting ready to leave for dinner – I’ll let you know as soon as we’re back!”

Dinner is good and as Thomas and I drive back he says “shall we stop for an onion?” (we are out of them). I realize I am anxious to follow through on Daniel’s request to chat.

“I’d like to get home. I don’t want to keep Daniel waiting any longer than I already have.” So we put off buying the onion.

Once we get on skype, we chit chat a bit and then I ask “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Spring break.”

I start envisioning college kids flying to Florida or Palm Springs and masses of twenty year old bodies packed into…

“I was wondering…” Daniel continues.

I put my wild imaginings on hold and just listen with my eyeballs, my attention completely on the skype window on my computer screen as he signs tentatively as though he’s almost afraid to ask.

“if I could maybe fly stand by…” he continues…

Ahhh I think well that’s a good sign. He knows my budget is tight after the plane tickets at Christmas time and Christmas gifts and his birthday he just celebrated plus Jen’s birthday (his sister) next month and her upcoming wedding at the end of March and the plane tickets we just bought him so he could attend the wedding…

“and come stay with you.”

I sit silently. All the chatter in my head stops.

He wants to come visit ME!?

Not Florida? Or Palm Springs? Or New York City or Canada or the Bahamas or…

But me?!

Stunned. I’m stunned. It’s a good stunned.

We discussed the details and I’m really excited that he’ll come visit that week. I will look at flight schedules later and send him information.

“I want to tell you what I did today!” I say with excitement. He leans into the camera, eye brows up, listening.

“I am laying rocks into the path in our back yard. I had a lot of fun doing that today.”

“What rocks? My rocks?!!” he says, leaning further into the camera, eyebrows now down, his brow furrowed with concern.

Laughing, shaking my head, I wave my hands back and forth, palms facing the camera “no, no, no! Not YOUR rocks!!!”

He sits back in his chair, obviously relieved.

“Your rocks are in the boxes in the garage! I wouldn’t use YOUR rocks!”

You see how much we love our rocks?

“I found some really pretty rocks on my trip last week. Some with quartz. I wish I could show you on the skype camera but I’ve already laid them into the path.”

“That’s okay I can see them when I come next month!”

“Oh yeah!” How quickly I forget. “and also we have all these rocks in our back yard, in the dirt. I’m using those.”

“oh” he says, “I see! Great! I can’t wait to see them.”

The call continues a while longer with various topics and then we say good night. In the middle of saying good-by the call drops for about the 10^th time, and I say to myself oh well. We were done.

He calls back. I answer.

He says “I love you!”

and we hang up.

And with that experience I sat with this love in my heart. What is love anyway? It’s so many things. Shared interests. Respect. A desire for another’s company. Listening.

It is near midnight now…

What a great way to kick off Valentine’s Day.

“My Brother’s a Bearded Mountain Man!”

2010-01-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

Sister Picks up Brother

It’s December 19^th and Thomas and I are not flying into El Paso until late. Daniel lands about mid day, flying in from Rochester, so my daughter Jen and her boyfriend Matt drive from Las Cruces to El Paso to pick him up. They are wandering slowly toward the escalators as the passengers who have arrived ride them down from the upper floor. Jen looks from face to face, looking for her brother.

She looks right past this face, thinking “Nope, my brother’s not a bearded mountain man.” But then the bearded mountain man walks up to her and steps into her personal space.

“Oh” she says. “My brother is a bearded mountain man!”

And that was the beginning of our very enjoyable Christmas Holiday time in Las Cruces ~ Thomas and I, Daniel, Jen, Matt. Good times.

Toys & Games

2009-12-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

When I moved this past September, and since then, I've given away a lot, and continue to; trying to let go of all this stuff I have accumulated. It's hard! Each little thing holds memories. I still have a box of legos, a box of Discovery Toys Marble Works, and a box of color books and markers, colored pencils and crayons. I think that's all I have left out of all the toys the kids had. I held on to a couple of favorites.

In the new house with Thomas, we have some great neighbors across the street. They are a family of five with a daughter in high school, a boy who's 6 and a boy who's almost one. The six year old is Ryan. Since I moved in I've been telling him I will have him over to play some time.

Tonight I'm standing in the kitchen with the apron on and I hear the door knocker. I open the door and Ryan is standing on the porch in the rain in his flip flops with a box of Christmas cookies.

"Come on in out of the rain!"

He has a grin on his face.

"I'm just starting to make brownies! Can you stay and play for a little while?"

"Well I think I have to go with my dad..."

"Okay, well would you like some brownies later? Are you tired of cookies and goodies?" I say looking at the box he just handed me.

"NO!" he says quickly shaking his head.

"okay, well come back after an hour, because they have to bake."

Ryan runs off.

I finish the brownies and put them in to bake, setting the timer.

I am busy getting packed for our trip to Seattle tomorrow. Checking things off the packing list and to do list. I hear a knock at the door.

There on the porch is Ryan and Cosmo, their black lab, who I sometimes take running with me.

"Are the brownies done?"

"I think they are very close! Let me check."

Cosmo comes right in leaving wet dog paw prints all about and Thomas and I call him back over to the door. We get out a couple bath mats and put them on the floor for Cosmo and tell him to lie down and stay.

"Why don't you stay here with him while I check the brownies."

Just then the kitchen timer dings. "Oh! There we go!" and I take them out. "They still have to cool, though Ryan. Can you play with me for a little bit while you wait?"

We call the house and get no answer, but shortly after that, Rick (Ryan's dad) comes to the door and assures Ryan that it's alright to stay for a little bit.

I pull out the Marble Works and Cosmo wants to sniff it.

"I know what that is!" Ryan says, "I've seen it at school!"

We had fun and then I walked him and Cosmo home with warm brownies.

Happy Holidays!
Be sure to take time to play games with those you love!
I've included a link (if you click on the blog title) to one of the games we used to play with Daniel on line regularly; Hangaroo. It's a lot of fun and helped him learn to spell. Thomas and I still enjoy it!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

From me to all of you...

Share the Joy in life.

A Place For Small Things

2009-12-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

I posted a commentary on Hapitok in October and one of the comments on the blog was from Christy, who was one of Daniel’s Hapitok TIGR’s (read that post for an explanation of TIGR’s). Her story in the comment was delightful to read. I got to know Christy and her family when she was in Daniel’s life in the mid 90’s, and since then I’ve seen Christy’s mom Maggie more than I’ve seen Christy. We moms keep bumping into each other.

Maggie is an artist and creates in several media including clay and metal. I see her at art and craft shows in town. At the Tiber Canyon Artisan’s Show and Sale this past Sunday I saw Maggie again and chatted briefly about having seen Christy’s comment on my blog, and as we chatted a small metal enameled dish caught my eye. There was only one like it and I was attracted to the colors and the design. I immediately imagined my earrings and rings sitting in it each night when I take them off.

It’s fun to find little things like this that remind me of the connection we all have through past experiences and future creations, be they relationships, art, or any other form. I generally don’t keep these types of trinkets forever. They come home with me for a time, serve a purpose, and then are passed forward to the next person who will enjoy it for a time.

By the way, I got a text from Daniel Monday of this week (Nov 30). It was the first day of Winter Quarter. It was snowing. Then I got a call from Jen and she got snow in Las Cruces, New Mexico that same day!

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T20:08:00.000-08:00

It’s a quiet Thanksgiving at home with Thomas. The fire pit in the back yard is coming along nicely. I laid stones, moved dirt and got incredibly dusty; nothing a nice hot bath couldn’t cure. We had some turkey breast and mashed potatoes last night, and today we had no specific plans for dinner. I spontaneously created nachos when we realized we were hungry and they were delicious.

Jen and I sent each other Happy Thanksgiving texts this morning. Daniel as well; he is enjoying the day with his step-mom’s family in Pennsylvania (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins).

Here’s his facebook post:

Daniel just got back from thanksgiving, the dinner and family were wonderful. We had a lot of laughs, it was so amazing and nearly the best thanksgiving I've had. Thank you Debbie for buying those whiteboards for me to use to communicate with the family. Thank you grandma and grandpa for bringing me to olive garden, thank you Debbie and Ken for letting me stay in your house, thank you for being a wonderful family everyone!

Closest to my thoughts is my sister Cheri’s family. She has three grown children, two boys and a girl. The two boys and their families live in Oregon; one near Portland and the other near Bend. The family of the older of the two boys (the one near Portland) is married and has three children. The youngest is a girl, who early on in life received the nick-name Scrapper. During her first year of life she had some unique medical issues and nearly died. You probably aren’t surprised to learn that the H1N1 virus hit Scrapper hard and pneumonia was right behind it. She has been in the hospital for four weeks now. Once you get knocked down by those two things, the hospital staff is working really hard to get and keep the body stable and free of infections so that it can heal itself. I have been reading daily emails from my brother-in-law who is one of a small selection of family members who takes turns sitting by her bed side in the hospital. The same individuals take shifts. The family members who are not part of the hospital crew (such as my sister Cheri and little Scrapper’s siblings) are responsible for maintaining the household while the parents are quite preoccupied with the whole ordeal.

This Thanksgiving, my heart is with Scrapper. My day was spent with rocks, dirt, wind and dust. I feel a deep appreciation for the most basic elemental stuff of life. I may be laying a foundation for a fire pit in the physical, but from a spiritual stand-point, it symbolizes Scrapper’s return to the basic elements of life. Breath and heart beat. Food and water. Family always nearby. Love and nurture. Connectedness.

Thomas and I said a simple prayer of gratitude today; for health and life. Scrapper has turned the corner and is finally starting to improve. For this, I am most thankful today.

Photo taken Dec 1, 2009 and added to blog post 12/2/09

The Observer

2009-11-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

In a conversation yesterday with friends, catching up on life, they asked how Daniel is doing and how Jen is and so forth. One of my friends made the statement “you were his life” in the context of Daniel’s transition to independence and being away at college. Clearly I made a quisical facial expression because she immediately went into the mode of explaining what she meant.
So here is an opportunity to examine relationship and the changes to a relationship between mother and son, more specifically in this case.
If I were to sit in a tree, say as a bird, and look down at Daniel and I and the moments we spent together during his first 18 years, what would I see? Would I observe that I was his whole world? Certainly not.
Most research in the field of human development and behavior shows through a variety of and numerous studies that the most powerful influence in a child’s development is his/her peers. As one example, children whose parents speak with an accent develop speech pronunciation that mimics their peers instead of their parents.
I believe my friend was attempting to acknowledge the access to intellectual dialogue that I provided my son. With an intelligent Deaf child, if they lack peers with equivalent language ability, who will they develop language with? All they have is all they have. And this was primarily the case during Daniel’s first 18 years. Not entirely, but primarily. His direct one to one dialogue in his most comfortable and skilled language (American Sign Language) was with hearing adults most of the time and then with Deaf adults. To a much lessor degree with Deaf same age peers.
And of his most intimate discussions of true depth and exploration, a higher than “normal” percentage were probably with his mother (and father). That statistic developed for two reasons; 1) we had the linguistic ability to have philosophical discussions and 2) we had developed a trusting relationship and mutual respect that made those discussions safe.
So from the bird’s perspective, flying around sitting in trees and observing all of the kids on school playgrounds or on the soccer field or on the rural roads of middle America or an inner city basketball court, what is the most unique about Daniel’s situation and circumstances and how typical is he of a Deaf child and student in our nation today?
First of all, less than 10% of Deaf children’s parents develop the language skills to converse with their children in ASL when the Deaf children are born to hearing parents.
Daniel is in the top 10% of his Deaf peers, scholastically. Actually probably closer to the top one per cent. Statistics will show that the majority of those top students have parents who have the language skills to converse with their children in the child’s primary language.
It would be interesting to know what percentage had regular access to language equivalent peers growing up. I don't have that statistic.
The birds on the playground observed Daniel growing up and saw him get into trouble now and then when he would mimic behavior he saw in his peers, reproduced at inappropriate times or with inappropriate intensity. In the natural development among peers, children mimic and experiment. Without the ability to hear and therefore without the ability to understand what all of one’s peers are communicating verbally… without the ability to develop those language skills along with one’s peers, there is a disconnect; a separateness.
It is human nature to want to connect. Daniel would try through the natural tools all human beings are given; the play and mimicking of behavior. Deaf children miss out on the verbal language and clues that their hearing peers are utilizing in this development. In this way, Daniel’s experience was very typical for a Deaf child.
Without the ability to develop in the most natural way with one’s peers, then the next question is what will develop and how far will it develop and through what means and how different will this make Daniel from his peer group, hearing or Deaf?
The deeper the bird looked into these questions, the more he flew around and observed, the more difficult he found it to define a “typical” Deaf child.
Just when the bird would think “aha! I have found the deafinition of the typical Deaf child!” he would see another characteristic that differentiated them. And then the bird began to realize that all human beings are unique. There is no typical. All we’re doing is grouping a few humans together because of something they have in common, which is the hearing loss. That doesn’t mean they are alike in any other way.
You see, if we collected all the birds that observed each Deaf child who grew up and is presently attending RIT and brought all those birds together and gave them the task of telling the story of the typical Deaf child, they would be jabbering away in the tree for hours and their bird convention would never end. Even though each child had a hearing loss, each one took a slightly different path.
So to understand the point and question my friend had in our conversation yesterday, sit with the bird in the tree at RIT and look at the high concentration of students with a hearing loss. What are you seeing? Is Daniel suddenly fitting in? Is this the perfect world he imagined and we imagined for him? Is it now his whole world? How does Daniel feel? Is he now finding it easy to connect with his peers? What are the cultural similarities and differences? What is their common ground? How important was it to actually grow up developing language with your peers, as opposed to only coming together with your peers after you’ve grown up? What makes connecting and forming relationships harder? What makes them easier?
These were her questions, but I didn’t have answers for her.
What fascinating questions! The birds are watching!
.
My friend and I talked about how I feel, which I can answer since I sit inside of me and this is my whole world. That, too is an interesting question. I feel hopeful for Daniel in the environment he’s in because of the potential and opportunities there for him. I feel confident in who he is. I feel almost completely disconnected from the outcome (of his behaviors and choices) because he makes all the decisions now. He doesn’t ask for permission for anything. I don’t tell him what to eat or make his meals. That feels right. Okay I’m lying a little bit. When I look forward it feels right, but sometimes I look back on our beautiful lives and all we did together and when I do that I feel a little sadness that it’s all over. That’s only when I look back. So I don’t do that too much. Only in moderation. ;-)
I’m looking forward to Christmas break when we will spend time together and create some new memories, none of which will be typical and all of which will be treasured in my heart and soul.

Playing Piano

2009-11-20T13:21:00.000-08:00

It’s an upright built of cherry wood. I find the pedals while playing on the floor; pounding on them, curious. They don’t make noise. What are they for? They become carports for my matchbox cars.
.

Next I discover the low keys. I depress them with force and crawl back underneath, pressing my ear to the wood and closing my eyes; imagining we are at war and the bombers are flying overhead and I am hiding in the bomb shelter where it is safe.

.
I am fascinated with the treasure chest filled with sheet music that serves as a bench for my mother and sister when they play. I learn to read the words, but no one teaches me to read the music.

.
Once tall enough, I explore. Plunking away at random keys, I search for harmony and pleasantness with my fingers; repeating a series of notes over and over, working to get it to match what I hear in my head.

Three decades go by. The piano now sits in a different house. The little one underneath it is not me, but my son. He too finds the treasured sheet music by lifting up the top of the bench. As he grows, he develops a ritual at Grandma’s house.

.
Get the sheet music out. Set it in the music stand on the piano. Lift the cover over the keys and slide it back. Glancing at the music now and then; move the whole body gracefully about while keeping the seat on the bench and the fingers dancing on the keys.

.
Hearing aids on or off, he still performs the ritual during each visit until the visits change frequency, shifting the routine; disturbing the habit.
.

Years pass.

.
The cherry wood piano is shuffled around.

.
I am at a family dinner, holding a basket while my sister pulls bread from under the broiler, tossing the hot slices into the basket.

.
“Oh, did you want the piano? We’re checking to see if anyone in the family wants it before we decide what to do with it.”

.
No pause. “I want the piano.”

.
I want to hit the low keys and crawl under it and close my eyes and imagine the planes flying over. I want to run my fingers over the smooth cherry wood and play Nadia’s theme, sitting on the treasure chest bench full of sheet music that I learned to read my first year of college. I want to grow old with this beautiful instrument sitting in my house, inviting song and harmony and pleasantness. Perhaps a cat will run along the keys now and then to remind me to slide the cover closed to keep the dust off.

.
I carry the bread basket to the table. We eat. I am thrilled.
Months go by.

.
I move to Thomas’ house.

.
I am unpacking and putting away boxes full of things, working to make space in the living room which has been the warehouse and shipping and receiving station during the moving in process. On this particular day I’ve made good progress. I stop to rest a moment, hands on my hips, and look up at the space and I see the piano against the wall.

.
I hadn’t thought about it in months.

.
“Thomas! Can we move the piano down? Can it go here against the wall?”
.

“Sure!”

.
I am thrilled.

.
There is always something to look forward to.

The Mother Instinct Never Goes Away

2009-11-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

Random Awareness

My fingers sit lightly on the laptop keyboard as I finish reading a work email and check in with my inner time manager and scheduler for what task to jump to next and in the process I zip through, around, and past all these split second offers of what I could choose to focus on. One of my mind’s suggestions is last night’s late night emails between Daniel and I about his financial aid account.

Then the most bizarre thing happens.

The next image my brain flashes me that resolves that suggestion (no, skip that, move on) is the way I felt the first time I left Jennifer (my first born). The memory-emotion relater connector recall (I hear this is more common for women than men) took the emotion I felt in that split second of neuro-pathway travel when I thought of “take care of Daniel financial aid” and connected it to the same emotion and the first time I experienced it and stored it – the day I left Jennifer with my mom and went to see a movie with my sister.

There I was sitting in the movie theater and a split second of panic and responsibility hit me as if it had been a handful of popcorn I had just tossed in my mouth. “Where is your baby?” She had been in my presence and fully my responsibility 24/7 until this point and suddenly it felt like I’d dropped the ball. Reality that she was not within arm’s reach or even ear shot just flooded my consciousness. I had been through the logical thought process (even if unconsciously) that I was leaving her with my mother, who was absolutely capable and trustworthy and far more experienced than I and I didn’t anticipate or expect this emotional reality check from my mother instincts (after all I hadn’t been a mother before).

Interesting.

And I go back to work.

For more on the topic of split second thoughts and resolution based on cumulative experience, read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink

Rochester Revisited

2009-10-11T17:34:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 9, 2009

This is my first return to visit Daniel since he started school at R.I.T.
.
I can tell by the text messages I’m receiving that he’s looking forward to seeing me, and that feels welcoming.
.
I give him an update before turning off my cell phone at O’Hare; telling him I am arriving shortly after 9 p.m.
.
“Please turn off all portable electronic devices…” says the flight attendant.
.
I am focused on the glowing red sky between the runway lights and the cloud layer sitting at no more than 1,000 feet above the ground. Repositioning the camera in the airplane bubble window, trying to maximize my angle, I frame the Regional Jet completely inside the image, working to compose the picture so that the deep color of the sky is behind the jet and the twinkling star-like landing lights of the inbound planes are …
The maybe twenty-year old girl with three pounds of poofy poodle curls all over her head touches my arm gently. “You need to turn that off for take-off”.
Oh Snap! I forgot we are taxi-ing for take-off!
.
I’m bringing Daniel two suitcases full of clothes; the last of them that he left behind when he came to Rochester in August. Then I have my roll aboard carry on with my things. I look like a baggage train in the airport and I get all sorts of looks and comments. For me it’s cheap entertainment, watching people react.
.
The planning of all this meant I left my camera behind. Too big. Sweet Thomas noticed this and handed me his compact Canon the day I left. I am eternally grateful. :-) It keeps me occupied as I travel.

Now we’ve taken off and the lights of Chicago lie below as the plane turns toward the lake and downtown disappears underneath our right wing. We climb into the darkness. The lights below flicker as the clouds pass under the wing and swallow them up.
.
I’m eager to see Daniel and spend a little time reconnecting with him. I’m curious if the trees’ leaves are changing colors yet. I wonder if it will feel cold to me, even though for locals, the weather right now is still very mild. The forecast for this weekend is partly cloudy and no rain, with highs in the mid-fifties. The one hour and forty-two minute flight to Rochester drags by. The man next to me smells and looks like he hasn’t showered for days and the seat is uncomfortable, and I’m squirming.
.
Finally we land.
.
Cell phones on.
Text to Daniel:
“Just landed!”
.
I am invited to come by the dorm. I get keys to a red Chevy Impala at the rental car counter and wait for the annoying enhhh enhhh enhhh of the bag belt warning. All bags come down the chute. I’m happy. I assemble the luggage train and blaze out the door into the chilly air and zip across the two... three... four lanes of stopped traffic (pedestrians with luggage trains rule) and into the parking garage.
.
I walk the entire length of the row looking for spot number six. Not found. I walk back. I click the unlock and lock buttons, looking around for blinking car lights and there she is, way over in a different section. Sure enough. That’s spot six.
.
The Impala has a nice deep trunk. Excellent. I get in and adjust the driver’s seat. Last time I came here I had Daniel and Nelle, the talking GPS. This time, neither. I look over the map and memorize the first three landmarks and directions that I think I need to get me to where I will recognize where I am and know where to go.
.
Between memorized step two and step three, I see a sign that says R.I.T. exit 17 and with a furrowed brow and head tilted to one side, I exit.
.
This doesn’t feel right. I turn right and follow a road paralleling the airport and it is dark and unfamiliar, so I go back and get back on the freeway and take the step number three exit I had planned and now I know where I’m going.
.
Tomorrow in the daylight I will get to know this territory a little better.
I pull into the dorm parking lot and let Daniel know I’m here (text message). I step outside the car into the rain and wait for him to come out of the doors.
.
His hug is warm and genuine, his eyes are bright and his big grin lights up the rainy night. He beckons me inside and up to the room. Sam is on a video call (Web cam chat window via computer and internet) with his mom. Daniel shows me his new computer and other than that, the room looks much like it did when I left him in it when he moved in.
.
We chat about how things have been and he tells me more about his visits to the ER the night before classes started and about a subsequent visit to the health center. He thinks it was related to all the combination of new things that his system was adjusting to; new environment, weather, community, school, schedule, expectations, food, etc. I agree with him. That was a huge shift in reality to go through and it takes some getting used to. He’s been feeling okay lately.
.
Signing, he says “I’d like to go to B.J.’s tomorrow. That’s a store like Costco. We can use our R.I.T. student ID and get in without a membership. I’d like to stock up on some water and snacks.”
.
I nod and sign “okay – sounds good! We also need to go try on winter boots so you can tell Dad what size you need.”
.
“We can go to Dick’s. I know where it is.”
.
The lights in the room flash like when you have your picture taken on Space Mountain or the Log Ride. I wonder if I was smiling. Then I realize it’s the doorbell, and the boys let Kristina in (Sam’s girlfriend). She sits on his bed while he continues to talk to his mom.
.
Daniel and I continue chatting about tomorrow’s agenda and his classes, then hop up on his bed and he shows me some of his computer programming homework on his laptop. He’s written a simple encrypting program and several routines that output a visual drawing based on the commands and logic he writes. It’s fun to sit side by side as he shows me; obviously proud of what he’s doing.
.
I think it’s terrific that he’s creating output right away in his first quarter at school in at least one class! He is glad he dropped a history class, and explains how difficult it was to follow the lecture, and says “they only had C-print” with a puzzled look, which I take to mean he didn’t understand why he didn’t get an interpreter for the class.
.
There are still things to work out, but for the first quarter, he has made a good decision to focus on doing well in all his other classes and let that one go. “I consulted with my advisor and other people also, and everyone said to just drop it.”
.
Watching him talk about how everything is going, I can see he is comfortable and confident.
.
Sam motions to me and I look up. He waves me over to his desk, “My mom wants to meet you!”
I smile, walking over to his side of the room. Watching the window on the screen that shows what his Webcam is picking up, I move in until I am within range of the camera.
.
“Hi” I say, waving. “I’m Lori.” I fingerspell L-o-r-i.
.
“Hi, I’m Sharon.” She fingerspells her name also.
.
We have a nice meet and greet over the Web cam and then I step out of the picture and they continue their call.
.
Daniel mentions a possible appointment tomorrow to work around, so he can work with a girl on some calculus.
.
“Are you tutoring?” I ask.
.
“No, just helping her. She’s in my class and she isn’t doing very well and I’m getting an A, so it’s just natural that I help her. Plus, I’ve found that when I help someone else and explain it to them, it helps me understand it even better.”
.
“I’ve experienced that too.”
.
I notice that it’s after 11:00 and I’m feeling pretty tired. “I’d better go get checked into the hotel.”
.
Daniel rides the elevator down with me and stands in the doorway to the building, holding the door open, watching me walk to the car. I wave and get in. I look back over and he’s still there. He signs “I love you”.
.
I almost cry.

My First Return Visit Ahead!

2009-10-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday, and I'm flying to Rochester to visit Daniel tomorrow night.

He sent me a text today saying he was looking forward to seeing me. Made my day. It will be a very short weekend without much of an agenda, and you can bet I'll enjoy every minute.

Callouses On My Fingers

2009-10-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

I sit, eyes closed, headphones on, listening to male vocals and acoustic guitar. The music takes me back in time. I can feel the strap on my neck. I can remember the transition from a G chord to an E and a D. I can feel the strings vibrate through the fingertips on my left hand; through the thick callouses. I sing, strumming the six strings with the fingers of my right hand. I write songs; lyrics inspired by life and tunes that come from somewhere inside my heart.

****

I hand the guitar case to the music pastor of the church who has come to our door with a thin gaunt woman who has clearly walked a hard road. We sit down in the living room and the pastor looks knowingly and compassionately at the woman with bleached blonde hair, split ends, and weathered skin.

“You see?” he says to the woman, “You prayed for a guitar and God has answered your prayer!”

I look from one bumper sticker on the outside of the case to another. Each one holding a memory of days now forever changed. I think of my son, napping in his room on the other side of the wall from where we sit, undisturbed by the recent chime of the doorbell. I have a new commitment now.

I thought I would play the guitar my whole life.

I show the woman the capo and picks inside the little box inside case that sits behind the neck of the guitar. I touch the yellow fuzzy lining one last time. It’s hard to swallow. I distract myself, ignoring the tug in my heart. The woman is genuinely thankful to have the guitar. She and the pastor leave.

****

The downward movement of my right hand to strum a guitar has been replaced with a C hand shape, palm orientation facing me, starting at the throat and moving down along the sternum, to produce the sign for hunger. With my eyebrows up, it becomes a yes or no question to the other person; my toddler son who has just woken up from his nap.

His arms reach up for me and I pick him up, his right foot swinging around my left side and over my left hip, where I nestle him against me and feel his soft curls with my right hand.

****

This day replays in my memory, etched there with the emotion of that moment. I feel the tip of my left ring finger with my thumb. It’s smooth.

I recently donated my Joy of Signing book to a parent group. I so often consulted that book in those early days, trying to understand from a drawing and a description how to produce a sign.

I laugh. Life is indeed one cycle after another. I do hold on to the memories and cherish them, but I pass on the physical tools and instruments so that they might be used rather than collect dust, making room for the next lessons that are sure to come into my life.

And so I welcome the lessons of the empty nest. May they add to the collection of beautiful and rich blessings in my life that learning to create music and learning to sign have been.

Unexpected TIGR Reunion

2009-10-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

Text Message from Daniel:

September 8, 2009: Day Two at R.I.T.

“Remember Ben (last name removed for privacy)? Well I will explain what happened. I was in the classroom when an interpreter came in and started interpreting. I was stunned about his style of interpreting. I saw his style somewhere before. Suddenly, end of the class he asked me if I was Daniel and I immediately realized he was Ben. He was my tigr at Hapitok. I’m shocked he’s an interpreter at RIT.”

image source for close up of hands

Rewind the tape. Step into a time machine. Take me back to when Daniel, when I hug him around the shoulders, fits underneath my arm. Picture an energetic boy with freckles and brown scraggly hair covered with dust from being at camp all week, smiling and signing with friends and staff as I drive into the parking lot to pick him up on Friday afternoons in July.

Hapitok has been, and is the most awesome creation and partnership and event and community in San Luis Obispo ever. From the perspective of a parent with a Deaf child, this summer camp seems to have been created just for us. It feels that way.

Ben is perhaps Daniel’s last TIGR at his last year of Hapitok. Daniel’s camp name this year is Flying Dragon. The campers pick a new camp name each year. Some of Daniel's past names are Smart Lion, Octopus, and Smart Snake. Ben is his TIGR, which stands for Therapy Individual Goal Reinforcer (therapy referring to speech therapy). TIGR’s have camp names, too, but they keep the same name every year (usually). Ben's camp name is White Panther.

The speech therapist that works at Hapitok with Daniel (for several summers) is Amy Riley and her camp name is Sparkle. (We're still friends. She's now living in Minnesota.)

I visit the camp when I make an appointment, as parents must make appointments and can only come when expected, so as not to interupt the focus and routine going on between camper and TIGR.

I see Daniel around the flag at flag circle and in the lunch room on various visits. He shares when it's his turn to say something and he ignores the lunch room camp songs being sung by the hearing campers and TIGR's. He signs some of the songs.

He signs and plays and teases and participates like a kid should. Here is a whole camp full of kids who know what it feels like to not quite fit in with the majority of the population. They seem to have figured out that this is a safe place. Daniel just soaks up the one-on-one he gets with his TIGR and with his speech therapist. It's exactly what he needs. He goes to school all year with hearing kids. Hapitok is his yearly reunion with the Deaf and hard of hearing kids he went to preschool with, as well as the others he's met at Hapitok over the years.

They go to swim at the Cuesta College Pool. They take hikes. They go fishing. They make up and practice skits and perform on stage. They learn about the environment and recycling. And all the while they work on speech. This year, as they do every year, they look at his IEP (Individual Education Plan) goals related to speech and language and they use these four weeks to close the gap on the major goals.

Continuing ripples of the Hapitok effect that touched the Steeds and the world...
Daniel’s first signing babysitters were teens who were TIGR’s at Hapitok during the summer and who were learning sign by taking ASL classes at Cuesta or through adult education (while in high school) and then getting lots of intensive practice (four weeks every July). Many of these TIGR’s have gone into fields that serve the Deaf or hard of hearing, such as teachers of the deaf, interpreters, and speech therapists. Largely influenced by their experiences at Camp Hapitok, these teens saw how learning to serve a need created a sense of purpose and feeling of value. They also developed deep, life-long relationships while volunteering at camp for several summers in a row.

Hapitok serves kids who need speech therapy. They might just have speech issues. They might be hard of hearing. They might be Deaf.

Hapitok recruits teens annually, pulling sometimes from junior highs, but mostly from the high schools in the area: Arroyo Grande, Morro Bay, Paso Robles, Atascadero, San Luis Obispo, and others. Hapitok looks for independent, responsible kids who really enjoy being with younger kids and who can handle the huge leadership role of being a TIGR. They look for teens who are mature and ready for the challenge, and who show potential and aptitude for service and a comfort level, if not love of the outdoors.

Hapitok brings the TIGR’s and staff together several times a year and they develop into a community. Call it bonding. Call it team building. Whatever they do, it works. The focus is always on volunteering and serving; giving, being grateful for, and loving life.

The campers begin the summer with one level of ability and by the end of the 4th week in July, they are shining with pride at the improvements they’ve made through the daily focused practice. I remember seeing kids at the beginning of camp that had incredibly low self esteem or were very shy; had no self confidence. I notice them on visits to camp and at the annual bowling field trip. I notice little differences each time. Finally, I watch them perform on stage at the end of camp, standing tall and proud, even if sometimes red with embarrassment; the transformation remarkable. Tears, chills, and my hands over my heart as I witness the kids becoming who they really are; these are the experiences permanently imprinted in my memory, as a parent on the Last Day of Hapitok each summer.

The TIGR’s start out as teens with potential, and over the years become leaders in the service community; in therapy, medicine, education, and interpreting careers. Let this blog post be a tribute to all the TIGR’s. Especially those who worked with Daniel or babysat for us. Our first signing sitters were Tammy Hensley, Rebecca Conrow, and Kelly Held. Kelly went on to become a teacher of the deaf and an unexpected TIGR reunion occurred when Daniel was in 6th grade and transferred to the Orcutt School District, into Kelly’s class (now married: Kelly Sanders). Kelly goes back to Hapitok now as a speech therapist on staff. Tammy was working as an interpreter when I lost track of her. Rebecca has become a speech therapist.

Then there was Care Bear – Cara Dunahoo, and Christy Pickering, whose camp name has escaped me. Both Cara and Christy helped us out and tutored Daniel after school in his early elementary years. I run into their Mom’s now and then.

Daniel's last few TIGR’s were Rachel Tyler (Cosmos), Renee Banakas (Sequoia), and Ben. Ben went to college in Oregon, became in interpreter and then got hired at RIT and is responsible for the inspiration of this post.

Renee got her masters in audiology and is now pursuing her M.D. in hearing related medicine (in the Midwest, if I remember correctly). Rachel went to CSUN and I haven’t had an update in a while, but I have to say Rachel was the most memorable and most supportive and involved of all of our TIGR relationships. At a pivotal time in Daniel’s educational development, when we had assessed some of his needs, i.e. help with organizational skills and starting new tasks after transitions (getting started on homework was a huge obstacle for him); Rachel agreed to tutor Daniel after school and took on a rigorous and focused tutoring schedule with him.

In addition, she accompanied Daniel and I on two trips which allowed me to take care of business and volunteer responsibilities AND bring him along on these trips. I have pictures of her carving pumpkins with us one October in our back yard. That’s how wonderful she was. She would even accept our invitation to just hang out with us and do fun activities in addition to all the time she’d put in tutoring or babysitting. She was one of those amazing teens. I pinched myself and thanked God that she was in our lives at the time. Bless you Rachel, where ever you are. Drop us a line some time!

Every one of the TIGR’s who stepped into our lives during Daniel’s development were truly (it felt like) sent by angels. We are thankful for each and every one.

photo by Joe Steed

Of all the influences in Daniel's life and our family's life, we owe so very very much to the Hapitok organization and the ripples of good it has created over the years. Daniel attended Hapitok from about 1995-2001 as an off the top of my head guess. When I have a chance to check records I'll update and repost.

If you ever want to support a charity that serves its recipients and its volunteer teens like no organization I’ve ever personally experienced, donate to or volunteer your time in support of Camp Hapitok of San Luis Obispo. Clicking on the header of this blog post will take you to the Camp Hapitok Web site.

WHERE IS LORI?

2009-10-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Did she fall in?

Lets recap from where I left off in the last post; I flew from Rochester to Dallas for the leadership conference for work with American Eagle Airlines. Saw Jen.

Flew into Burbank to connect with Thomas briefly, then drove back up to Grover Beach to begin packing all of my things and moving them out of our condo, which we planned to rent out.

Oh by the way, Jen invited us to New Mexico for Christmas!

Here's photos of the first wave of my stuff showing up at Thomas'. The garage before and after pictures. This was the FIRST WAVE. There have been two more after that. The garage and the house are stuffed!
I have been packing, moving, working, advertising the condo, making reservations for business trips in October and November, and the Christmas trip to NM in December, working, selling belongings on Craig’s List, working, giving away items through the yahoo group Freecycle, changing my address in a hundred places (the VISA people still don’t have it right! I don’t get this. You’d think they’d want me to get the bill), doing photo shoots, processing images from photo shoots, packing some more, working, moving some more, having a migraine for four days, packing some more, moving some more, going to photo shoots, and handing over the keys to the renters…

Take a breath here…

And then walking sideways through piles of boxes in a new home, setting up my office there, hanging a happy birthday sign for Thomas, blowing up balloons between working, hanging them on the wall (he was in San Diego on a business trip); working in the new house (new to me) for a week after moving, spending two very quick days with Thomas, celebrating his birthday, and then (now) leaving on a business trip for two weeks.

So I had to get out of town to be able to find the time to catch up on my blogging!!!

And there you have it. The official “Where is Lori?” answer for the month of September 2009. There’s a whole other “Where is Lori?” story from August 2008 that belongs on my photo blog post, but that will have to wait for another day.

Day One at R.I.T.

2009-09-07T16:07:00.000-07:00

Daniel’s first day of classes went well, considering he got three hours of sleep after spending most of the middle of the night in the emergency room. No, he’s alright. Keep breathing. He’s fine. It was very precautionary. He would have normally gone to the health center, but it was 11 p.m. when he threw up and the emergency medical people wanted to take him over to the ER just to be safe.
We were texting back and forth at after midnight west coast time, so yeah… 3 a.m. and later for Daniel.
Last text was about wondering if he should go to classes.
“Wait and see how you feel at 6 a.m.” I sent in my last text to him.
.
He sent a text right after his 8 a.m. class saying that it was rough because he was so sleepy, but that he liked the class and the instructor.
Then he went to two more classes today and had done the homework from the first two when he went to his third class. He reports that he likes all of his teachers.
“They’re awesome” actually.
I told him to get some rest after he got out of his third class.
His text response:
“After calculus, yes” (meaning the homework).
.
Since my last post, leaving Daniel in NY and flying away on a jet plane, I’ve been busy. I flew to Dallas for a leadership conference and daughter Jen was flying through Dallas so I invited her to stay in my hotel with me so we could visit at night after work. She did. It was so awesome to see her and to be able to talk to her about the experience of taking her brother to R.I.T. and we talked about the school and talked about her experience starting college and her choices and we agreed – you know – you just can never tell for sure if what you head out to try is going to be right for you if you’ve never tried anything like it before.
.
That’s the thing with being young and trying new things. Or with being old and trying new things as well. It feels fun and a little odd at the same time. Thinking that we won’t all have Christmas together this year in any place we’ve ever had it. It will be something entirely different. Okay. That’s alright. We might start new traditions. We might learn that whatever new thing we try we never want to do again! That’s progress as well.
Yes it was good to spend those two nights with Jen. Very nice.
.
Then I flew into Burbank and Thomas picked me up.
Do you know what I realized? Sometimes Thomas drives around the airport drive, circling so he can pull up at the curb and pick me up. Sometimes that is just the most effective use of time and resources. But this particular day, coming back from all that I had just been through, emotionally, I would have traded a bunch of efficiency points for standing and collecting a long hug in baggage claim. I was actually really disappointed that he was driving around and wasn’t standing there waiting to hug me.
I don’t mention this to make Thomas feel bad. (I did communicate the awareness to him later, so he has been informed). I mention this to inform everyone else who reads this. Think about it if you are on the arrival end of a mom or dad or someone who is coming in from a long emotional journey or life event like this. Park that car and be there to greet them with your full attention. It will mean the world. Even if they don’t realize it; know that you have given a tremendous gift by doing that.
.
Thomas and I started right away, moving things around in his house to make room for me and my stuff. After a couple days of that we went back to Grover Beach and started packing up and sorting in my house. Spent two days doing that, and now Thomas has gone back down to his house to unload an SUV full of my stuff and prepare for work this week.

I have been blessed with an offer from a friend, who was looking for a place to stay in Grover Beach for a short while, and he agreed to help me pack, sort, sell, and move stuff in exchange for staying at the house. It is a wonderful trade and I truly hope it’s working out as well for him as it is for me and Thomas. I am grateful.
.
Today we sold several items and the proceeds will all go toward the purchase of books. Daniel is excited. He is waiting for someone to buy the x-box and games to cover that big expensive calculus book.
.
If I don’t post for a while, it just means I’m busy with the move. There will be more. I can promise.

A helium filled balloon rises…

2009-08-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

…but only flies once you cut the strings.
.
I woke with a start. Bright sun outside. Clock – time? 7:33. Wha…
I look at my blackberry alarm. I somehow turned it off…
We’re fine.
Shower, get dressed, grab coffee in the lobby on the way out, set Nel to take me to a well known intersection on campus and off we go.
They let me (us, parents) park in the close (to the Gordon Field House) parking lot this morning! Woo Hoo!

This photo is looking toward Daniel's dorm, Ellingson Hall - the tall one, from the parking lot I just parked in. The Gordon Field House is the building to the very right in the picture. The Dining Commons is in the white bulding to the left of Ellingson Hall. Photo found on line with google image search.

A text comes in from Daniel: “Why are you not at NTID orientation?” and I let him know I’m on my way.
The NTID resource and service center serves all of the Deaf and hard of hearing students on campus, so even the RIT students (who are Deaf) attend the NTID orientation. The three major services provided to Deaf and hard of hearing students are:
- Interpreting
- Captioning (live captioning in class or at event/meeting)
- Note takers (students in the class who are trained on how to take notes)
There are 100 Deaf freshman attending RIT this year, and about 270 freshmen attending NTID (National Technical Institute for the Deaf – a two year technical degree program).
Total students enrolled for fall 2009 at RIT and NTID is about 16,000, with about 10% of the student population being deaf or hard of hearing. About 250 of those students have a cochlear implant.
NTID employs over 100 interpreters; the most staff interpreters at any one site in the world!
.

The NTID presentation concludes and I walk toward the Field House with all the other orange RIT-shirt clad parents and family members.
We line up along the asphalt path that connects the dorms with the Field House. A constant stream of brown RIT-shirt clad students, grouped by their dorm floor.

Finally I see the two boys holding the Ellingson 4th floor paper banner. I spot Daniel and Samuel, and they’re smiling proudly and waving at Jason, one of the tutors who worked with them at the University of Washington last summer.

above and below photos from previous event, found with google image search, but this is what it looks like

Everyone is cheering and applauding as the students continue the traditional “tiger walk”.
.
Inside the Gordon Field House, families are seated in the bleachers and students are in folding chairs on the floor, all in rows facing the stage. I am impressed with the numbers. It’s a full house. I text Terrylene to find her. She’s parking.

photo below from previous year, found with google image search, but this is what it looks like, with the exception that today it was completely full. Very few empty chairs or bleacher seats.

The Feadan Or Pipe Band’s bagpipes and drums fill the house, as five men in kilts march in from one of the rear doors and up to the front. I have goose bumps.

An octet of women sing the National Anthem, a cappella. I have goose bumps.

The program I’m holding explains the convocation on the inside first page:
A convocation is the formal coming together of the members of a group. An academic convocation brings together the members of an academic community. Our Convocation for New Students and Families marks a beginning for faculty, staff, and especially, you, as a student new to RIT. We welcome you and your families, and look forward to working with you during your years of learning.

The program gives more detail after that related to the formalities and traditions of the school. RIT was originally a school in downtown Rochester with another name, and in 1944, President Mark Ellingson (which Daniel’s dorm is named for) was in leadership when they changed the name to Rochester Institute of Technology, bought the land for the current site and began RIT. President Ellingson’s grandson Eric is in the freshman class today.

I find Terrylene and she sits next to me. I feel better with another mom next to me. She expresses how impressed she is with the communication accommodations for the Deaf. Three large screens project the speaker, and live captioning is on the screen. There are interpreters on platforms with spotlights on them in the front of each section of students on the floor, as well as some in the back, who can be seen from the bleachers.

The opening by Dr. Jeremy Haefner, Provost and Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs, rattles off statistics and we sit a little taller in our seats, hearing how many students applied to the school this year and how many were accepted (2,600).

This year’s freshmen class is the largest ever. They are coming to RIT for the following core studies:
Number of students in each college
270 NTID
322 Science
106 Business
604 Computing and Information Sciences
207 Applied Science and Technology
550 Engineering
428 Imaging Arts and Sciences
71 Liberal Arts
42 undecided

The keynote speech by Dr. Joseph Fornieri of the college of Liberal Arts addressed Dr. Fornieri’s own personal twist on the traditional ‘three R’s of education’, starting with his complaint that Arithmetic doesn’t start with an R, and reminding us all that these 2600 students on the floor are moving “from sheltered adolescence to independent adulthood.”
The essence of his five R’s of advice for their college experience:
Risk – take risks. Get out more. Cyberspace is no substitute for personal space.
Respect –
-self
-others
-spirit or character
-friendships
-humility and openness
Responsibility – lose that sense of entitlement and selfishness!
Reflect – balance the frantic busy-ness of school with time for reflection
Relish – enjoy leisure; pursue activities for their own sake.

His final three words:
Play, dream, and wonder!
****
Daniel is on his own now. It is hard, letting go. Whether you are the balloon being carried off by the wind, or on the ground, while you watch the other in this process, the object of attention becomes smaller and smaller and harder to see. I remember what it feels like to strain to see the balloon.

Walking to the car, I allow myself to feel and be in the moment. I can’t help but see flashbacks of this boy’s life at various stages and ages, and then return to my image of him walking away down his path on campus, not looking back.

I just want to hold him. Hug him. I know he knows I love him and I know he is ready to be on his own. I focus on this, not on “we didn’t hug each other good-by”. I focus on me now. Here on the ground. Walking to the car.

Three words for me to focus on:
Play, dream, and wonder!

Cutting The Cord

2009-08-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Exit Parent

Sunday of Orientation Weekend

Aug 30, 2009 4:40:07 p.m.

Text from Daniel:
Did you get me a planner? I don’t see one. I’ll need one :)

Lori goes into remission and assumes the mother role, completely forgetting that her son is 18 and at college.

Aug 30, 2009 4:41:30 p.m.

Lori’s reply to Daniel:
Oh I was thinking about that! I looked when we were at Walmart and they didn’t have any good ones. Let me get that on the way over to you tonight! Thanks for reminding me…

Oh my gosh! Can you believe this mother? What the heck is she thinking? Where is her mentor? She needs help! Is there some sort of program we can get her into? And quick?
Her assessment of him earlier was that he was tired, stressed, and overwhelmed with it all. She wants him to be successful. You can’t blame her for that, can you?

She posts a facebook status via blackberry at 5:00 p.m.:

- now I have to find a planner. Checking the internet for ideas of where to go... Target? Barnes & Noble?
Still otherwise focused on her Target (no pun intended), Lori doesn’t see her friends’ comments to her post until much later:
- Campus Bookstore?
- I told you you’d make another trip to Walmart!
- RIT Bookstore (but Daniel can do that can’t he?)
- Finding the right planner is tricky. We each seem to have our favorites. I prefer what ever works for me. HA!
- I actually got an academic calendar from Walgreens for this semester that is perfect for me.... and it was only $3.99. OfficeMax has really nice ones too, but they are a lot more expensive and really don't offer that much more space to write in assignments. I'd still check the bookstore first, though. My calendar is my life! I looked EVERYWHERE for just the right one!

One friend sends her a private message that she reads later that night:

I LOVE reading your blog! Aside from being a compelling writer, You totally take me back in time to RIT 36 years ago. As an incoming student, I remember wet, humid Rochester as if it were yesterday

Just wait til Winter!

Several things strike me as I read your blog:

1. Daniel is a very lucky kid. To have your support as he moves in, have you running to and fro, and even worrying about his meal plan is something I never had, nor did I want, at the time.

2. You found THE TUNNEL! I laughed! Somewhere, under many coats of paint, my name is on one of those slabs of cement.

3. Cut the strings and get the heck outta there so he can FLY!
4. Start writing about your "Empty Nest" blues!

Larry

I walk into the Barnes & Noble at R.I.T. and am directed to go upstairs to the art and supplies section to find the calendar planners. I am confident that this store will have considerably more to choose from than the Walmart, Borders, and Target. Bingo. A whole aisle. Several shelves. Overflowing. Score!
I look at several and pick one for Daniel based on his input of wanting one just like the one he had last year. I get one for myself, to help me plan my new life. It feels good. I hold the leather bound planner in my hand and bounce it up and down like I’m weighing it.
“Yeah! My life for the next 18 months – it all goes in here!”
Holding the planner choices in my hands, my inner voice talks to me…
“Why are you picking Daniel’s planner? Why don’t you just bring him here tomorrow and let him pick it out?”
“Well I’m already here. He was tired. He asked me to get it for him.”
“Who’s the adult here?”
“We both are. What’s your point?”
“I think you should make him get it himself. He’ll enjoy the experience. You know he will.”
“oh I don’t think so. I watched him pick out the last one, last year. Trust me, this is saving him from the pain. I remember him saying he didn’t want all these choices – he just wanted what he wanted. I remember that!”
“When does it stop?”
“When I get on the plane on Tuesday.”
“That’s rather abrupt. Don’t you want to train him a little first?”
“oh for crying out loud! It’s in my hand. I’m here. There’s no line!”
I make the purchase.

I Take the escalator downstairs.
Walking toward the door I see it. The downpour. The clouds have held their cards all day and now – they play them.
I run to the car, bag tucked under my arm, colliding with drops of rain.
“okay. I get it.”

Aug 30, 2009 6:38:13 p.m.

Lori’s text to Daniel:
omw with more supplies and its raining… Where are you?

Aug 30, 2009 6:39:13 p.m.

Daniel’s text to Lori:
In dorm. Lemme know when you get here so I can go outside.

Aug 30, 2009 6:44:12 p.m.

Lori’s text to Daniel:
K I parked in the dorm lot. Walking over with stuff!

He meets me halfway.
“What’s all this stuff?”
“Well I got these storage boxes. They’re for organizing your papers from your classes – you can use a different one for each class.” He rolls his eyes and tries to walk away as I continue explaining. “and the little ones are for your 3x5 cards. And I got hand pump soap for the bathroom. We forgot to get that.”
“They have hand soap in the bathroom!”
“oh.” I shrug.
“I don’t have room for anything else.”
I’m thinking but I don’t say “you still have a ton of room under your bed!” and then what I really say is “I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh and I got you paper for your printer!” To which he nods and smiles, and turns back toward the dorm.
He walks away.

I get the message. I get it. I get it.

I head toward campus. I have no idea where the 7:00 presentation is, but I have the whole campus in front of me, so I just walk. I notice a woman and her mother behind me, the woman holding the campus map and walking with certainty.
“You going to the 7:00 meeting?” she asks as I’m taking out my bright orange eight page double sided schedule of orientation events.
“Yes,” I say, stopping to let them come even with me. “Do you know where it’s being held?”
“The SAU.”
“How can you see anything on that map? It’s way too small for me to see.”
Her mother chimes in, “oh I’m with you. Even with my glasses, I can’t make it out.”
We are joined by other parents, coming from all directions, and we all file into the SAU and follow the stream of marching ants into the Ingle auditorium.
It’s nice. Stadium seating! Gray concrete walls and steps. A plane wood box stage with tables and chairs for the panel, and a few microphones. A large screen.
The presentation is on student services and resources. There are representatives from several service centers on campus. They each have something interesting and informative to say, and one man even has funny slides in the powerpoint, showing pictures of vehicles loaded down with hundreds of bags, to which he narrates “and which one of you was driving this car today?” The concrete echoed the parents’ laughter.

I listen to each person. And although they said a lot of things this is what I hear…

Dr. Heath P. Boice-Pardee. Associate Vice President for Student Affairs: partner with us to help your son be successful.

Dr. Warren Koontz, MSTET Program Chair (a life-long EE): our focus tonight is how to help your son be successful. He’ll need independent discipline to do well. To succeed he’ll need to have a passion for what he’s doing. Turn off you cell phones, pull out your ear pods, log out of facebook and meet some real people.

Dr. Jan M. Premich, psychologist with the Counseling Center: I’m a people person. I value dialogue. I’m here to talk to and we have a great staff that can help your son. The college campus is a semi-independent living situation with lots of support available. We know you’re entrusting us to pick up where you left off. We have to stand out of their way. We have to know when to be there and when to stand out of the way. There is other support that is now a part of your son’s community. If he does end up with a serious problem connecting with his community here, or going to classes, we have the resources to help him.

Joe Johnston, Asst Director of Conflict Management Services: Joe is introduced as “the man you never want your student to meet.” Let your son make his own mistakes. Don’t even think about rushing in here and fixing things. We have a whole team to take care of everything from roommate disputes to complaints about his behavior by other students. If he complains to you about any issues with other students, tell him to come see us.

Chuck Lamb, Director of Residence Life – I know you watched your son get on the bus to kindergarten 13 years ago, and you will remember, he came back at the end of the day. Tomorrow, he’s not coming back to you. He’s staying here. Thanks for the reality check, Chuck. We used to make this transition with college students without cell phones and computers. He’ll be fine.

Cassandra Jordan, Director, RIT Student Health Center: we’re your son’s Dr.’s office while he’s here. We have a full time sign language interpreter. Make sure he has the health insurance card. If he calls you when he’s not feeling well, tell him to go to the health center. You don’t go to the Dr. with him any more.

Lee Twyman, Ombudsperson: If my son has trouble getting along with anyone on campus, he can come to us or can be referred to us. If he communicates inappropriately via electronic technology, such as text or email, and there’s a complaint, or if someone communicates inappropriately with him, Lee will be the one to help them try to resolve.

I decide to go down and ask a question after the presentation ends. I really want to do better. I want to give Daniel the keys and let go. I want to follow their advice. Just a few words with one of the representatives, and I am given the needed answer to “which door to walk through” so to speak.

I can see the light.
It’s neon.
It says Ben & Jerry’s.
So I buy a scoop of chunky monkey and walk into the room where the President of the university, Dr. William Drestler, has already been introduced and is giving his welcome speech. The essence of his message and the air in the room: Confidence, Growth, Improvement, Our future is bright, Pride. I wish Joe were here to experience this. He should be here. This is where we hand over our son to his future.
Standing in line to shake the president’s hand, the woman behind me signs “hey!!!” and I look to see Terrylene Sacchetti, who I have been on the IMPACT board with for years, and her son Gianni Sacchetti Manganelli, who is the same age as Daniel.
“I thought you were going to Gallaudet!?” I say to Gianni.
“No!”
“Never?”
“Never.”
“Wow – I was totally wrong! I have no idea why I thought that! Well I’m really happy to see you, but… I’m REALLY happy to see YOU!” I say, dropping my things and hugging Terrylene. “I have been wanting to catch up with you!!!”
Gianni decides to head to his dorm, and Terrylene pouts as he heads off.
“No hug!” she signs to me.
“oh no way” I sign back, with a face that’s half teasing her and half sympathizing.
She confesses that she is so thankful she has her 4 year old daughter. She loves her role as a mother and she’s sharing this event (Gianni moving to RIT) with her by having her take pictures so they can go home and make a photo album and talk about her brother’s new adventure.
She tells me she’s staying with a friend who lives close by. I ask her if she wants to chat any tonight and she says yes and decides to follow me to my hotel.
Flying hands grace the Marriott Courtyard lobby for over two hours as we catch up with each other.
She checks her i-phone.
“oh I have to go! My daughter’s waiting for me!”
I get her current number. We hug. We wave.
There is so much to be thankful for.
I’m cutting the cord.
Tomorrow’s a new day.

All photos in this blog post found on line with google image search.

R.I.T. Orientation Day

2009-08-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

It’s Sunday – the first day of orientation, which is mostly move-in day for resident students. I have Daniel’s breakfast from Jay’s Diner in the car with me, and his housing confirmation print-out. I pull up into the parking lot near Ellingson Hall, and wait for Daniel to walk over to the car. Without much expression or emotion, he signs to me that he doesn’t know where to go. We ask a volunteer standing in the parking lot where he should go for his dorm check-in. The volunteer points to a tent in the back of the parking lot.
“Okay, you go through the dorm check in process and I’ll go park the car.”
I drive to lot H, about a mile away, and head back toward the dorm. I pass a man standing in a cross walk directing traffic.
“Park in lot G or H, just past the flags. There’s a shuttle to bring you back over to Gordon Field House for the orientation.” He tells the man who is leaning out of the window in his car.
“There’s a shuttle?!” I say to this traffic director.
“Oh it’s a beautiful day for a walk!” he says, winking.
I smile and keep walking.
Back at the dorm I send Daniel a text and he sends back “come up to our room”. There are volunteer students in each elevator helping people get to the right place if they don’t know where they’re going. Outside their room hallway door are two buttons for doorbells, which flash inside the rooms. I push the button for their room. I can hear loud video game audio coming from inside and then I hear the interior door open. Samuel opens the hallway door to let me in.
I pass the bathroom door on my left and the other dorm room door on my right and walk straight, following Samuel into their room. Samuel’s girlfriend Christina is playing the video game. Samuel asks if I could hear the audio from the hallway. I nod my head with big eyes to emphasize. Christina glances at me and turns the volume down. Samuel goes back to watching her run down a corridor chasing an alien.
Daniel is filling out a housing form.
“Lets go check our mailbox,” he says to Samuel, tossing the housing form on his bed. “I have my key now. I want to go see if my boxes are here.”
“They’re going to take a week,” I say to him, “so they’re not due here until after Tuesday.”
I follow the boys out the doors and down the hallway to the stairs. We go down four flights, back out into the first floor and then down the hall a ways to another door where we go down another flight of stairs to the underground tunnel system. We follow a series of tunnels painted with graffiti-like murals that promote R.I.T. pride, or one campus group or another, and pass a convenience store before arriving at the post office center. We walk in and pass corridors of mail boxes. The boys find their boxes and open them. Samuel has a letter and Daniel has 3 pieces of R.I.T. welcome materials.
We follow the bread crumbs back to their building. I am totally lost. Then I recognize their building and we race back up the five flights of stairs. Oh good. No need to worry about finding time to work out in the exercise room back at the hotel.
“Lets go get my ID,” Daniel says, tossing the welcome materials on his bed.
I follow him back down the four flights of stairs and this time we head outside and take the path toward the Gordon Field House.
“Do you know where this building is? The one for orientation?” I ask Daniel, who is walking confidently toward the main campus. He points straight in front of us, and there on the side of the large building in front of us is a huge banner with the word Orientation on it.
“Ahhhh.” I say.
We step inside and onto the indoor track. Oooh, cooshy! The building is huge. A row of tables is between us and the rest of everything in (I’ll call it the field house). A young man beckons us toward him with a big welcoming arm movement and friendly face. Daniel signs. I interpret. Immediately a deaf student-helper sees what’s going on and steps in to take over with direct communication. He is instructed where to go for his ID.
This goes quickly. The line is non-existent this early.
Next we walk around to where the colleges are set up and go to the college of Computing and Information Sciences. He is given a name badge with a group number (V-1) for his week of orientation. Once again, a hearing young man begins the conversation with us, and I interpret, and once again, a student-helper notices and steps in to communicate directly.
“Hi, my name’s Alyssa and I’ll be your orientation assistant.” She says, handing him a small spiral bound book with plastic tabs. “This has your schedule for the week, the agenda, map of campus, and all of the activities. You should read this very carefully. Use it to follow when and where to show up for all your orientation activities this week.”
Next they pick up a brown t-shirt and place it into a small plastic “back pack” with strings for the shoulders.
“This is the brown t-shirt that all the students will be wearing tomorrow for convocation.”
Next they place a gray t-shirt into the bag.
“This is your college of computer science t-shirt, but actually they’re going to give you another t-shirt for your college blah blah blah…” she keeps signing as I glance around the huge field house.
There are cables that go around the ceiling for the camera that can follow the runners on the track. There are lights and air conditioning ducts and beams and cables and above all that, sky lights. The bleachers are pushed back against the walls like in a gym, but this is much larger than any gym I’ve ever been in.
We finish getting his things from his college, get my orange parent/family t-shirt that I’m supposed to wear for convocation tomorrow, and take care of his health center check-in. I grab a cup of Seattle’s Best coffee from the table full of continental breakfast items, we check out the rest of the recreation center, all under the same roof, and Daniel is stoked.
“Yes you can get in by showing your ID, for free, any time,” says the girl at the door, in response to Daniel’s question about if he can come use the facilities.
He decides to walk back to his dorm room and put away a few more things and I decide to stay at the Field House and talk to the dining plan person to better understand how the meal plan works.
Shortly, Daniel joins me again to grab lunch. We carry cheeseburgers back to the dorm from the campus catering concession tent in front of the Field House; walk the quarter mile and up four flights of stairs and back into the room, avoiding the hordes of students hauling luggage and boxes up the elevators.
Sean’s mom, dad, and sister are helping him move into the room next to Daniel and Samuel. Daniel saw Sean’s sister walk into his room and said to me “I didn’t think you could have a boy and a girl in the same room.” That was a good thing to wonder about.
I stand in Daniel and Samuel’s dorm room after we finish eating our cheeseburgers, gazing out the fourth floor window. The dark clouds are still holding their cards for the right moment. A bird flies by the window, playfully dancing with the wind. My gaze lowers to the quad area, where I eavesdrop on a group of four signers discussing the activities of the morning and plans for the rest of the day. I can’t quite see the Gordon Field House from their room, because another wing of the dorm blocks my view, but I’m sure it’s visible from some of the upper floors. Mark Ellingson Hall is the tallest of all of the dorm buildings, with 12 floors.
Daniel is getting settled in his room, reading over the orientation book from the college of Computing and Information Sciences, and checking email. The boys each have a bed that can be placed at any height, a desk, a dresser, a cabinet with a file drawer and two small drawers, a “closet” space (no doors) about 2.5 feet wide with a bar for hangers and two shelves between that and the ceiling. They each bought mini refrigerators and storage bins. Daniel has his under his bed which is at about chest height.
“Why don’t you grab this opportunity for a short nap?” I suggest to Daniel. “I’ll go buy you that extension cord you need.”
“okay,” he says, and climbs up onto his bed with his lap top, a game underway at this point.
I head to Walmart once again, Nel keeping me company along the way.

How Can We Be Lost If We're Together?

2009-08-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, August 29, 2009
We’re at a Marriott Courtyard not far from the Rochester International Airport and not far from Rochester Institute of Technology. Our three hour layover in Washington D.C. last night was taken up with the following activities:
· Eating dinner (Subway).
· Asking what time Thomas’ flight from Middletown Connecticut would arrive (he was already in flight headed toward us.
· Finding out his flight would not arrive until our departure time – 10:05 p.m.
· Leaving a note at his gate for him to find.
· Texting him location of note for when he lands.
· Strolling to our gate (A5), getting a mocha on the way there (me).
· Finding an open electrical outlet (Daniel).
· Playing with some programming on the lap top (Daniel).
· Receiving a text from Thomas that he just landed (me) at 8:36 p.m. eastern time.
· Running over to Daniel to tell him I’m going to Thomas’ gate.
· Taking the shuttle back to terminal C and D.
· Realizing the shuttle brought me back into the C end of the terminal when we had left from the D end of the terminal and Thomas’ arrival gate is D5.
· Running toward D5.
· Receiving a text from Thomas that he’s coming into gate C22.
· Stopping to look where I am – C22! Wow.
· Grinning when he gets off his plane and walks into the terminal.
· Hugging Thomas.
· Walking with him to his departure gate (C11 to Los Angeles).
· Saying good-by.
· Taking the shuttle back to A terminal.
· Sitting with Daniel for another 20 minutes.
· Boarding our flight.

We are what seems like 25 minutes into our flight to Rochester, which according to our printed flight itinerary, was a 1 hour and 23 minute flight. Daniel notices the nose of the airplane nudge downward.
“We can’t be landing yet. We’re maybe halfway there.” I say, re-checking the flight itinerary.
Pilot announces we are beginning our descent to the Rochester area.
Daniel tells me my chin is dragging on the ground. I can’t believe they scheduled the flight for 1:23 and we’re landing already.
At baggage claim, the bags come down the belt. The perfect ending to a perfect trip.
Thanks United.
Our rental car is a Chevy vehicle that looks like a PT Cruiser with a hatchback and Daniel points out the emblem on the back of the car that says “ethanol”. Hmmmm. Tomorrow when I’m more awake and it’s not dark I’ll have to figure out what kind of car this is.
We drive with Hertz Never Lost to the hotel.
He manages the GPS and I drive. He plugs in the address of the hotel. I start driving. I’m not sure if the Never Lost voice has a name but I call her NeL.
Nel says “Approaching right turn followed by left hand turn.”
We do this a few times and Daniel is asking “what are you doing?” while Nel says “recalculating route”.
He turns Nel’s voice off. I tell him to turn the volume back up.
We’re in a residential neighborhood.
Nel tells me to turn right and another right.
Daniel is waving a finger at me and holding up the other hand at the same time to say “not here!” and then he points straight, turning Nel's voice off again.
I decide to trust Daniel. He gets us back on track. I still desparately want to hear Nel's voice.
She and Daniel together get us there directly.
We arrive at the Marriott after a nice tour of the neighborhoods followed by a short jaunt on a freeway.
***
I said thanks but no thanks to the alarm at 6:30. I woke up a few more times and decided to get up at 8:30. It’s overcast with some thin spots. I’ll wake Daniel now and we’ll get ready and go do some major dorm/school supply shopping. I’m ready for another great day!

Flying To Rochester

2009-08-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

Travel Day

Friday August 28, 2009
The radio comes on at 5:30. Everything is packed and ready to go. All there is to do is shower and make breakfast. Joe is coming to pick us up and take us to the airport. Showered and dressed, I head to the stairs to go down and wake Daniel. The light coming in through the east window is soft and I glance up, catching my breath. The clouds that were there last night are now playing with the morning light. Pinks and blues harmonizing better than any of the paint swatch home décor color theme brochures I’ve ever seen. This is a beautiful morning.
I nudge the bed and Daniel doesn’t react for oh a fraction of a second, and then there’s this tiny jerk like we do when we panic ever so briefly as we pass from sleep state to consciousness of the current moment. He looks at me and I wave with a big grin on my face. Mom’s smiling – I must not have overslept. Everything that just tensed ever so briefly in that transition to waking lets go and he sinks back into the bed and stretches, taking in the moment of this milestone day.
I cook bacon. Eggs. Warm tortillas. Breakfast burritos in the making when he comes upstairs, showered and ready.
“Can you wrap them in foil?” He asks, too excited to eat just yet.
We’ve got all the bags in the driveway waiting when Joe pulls up at 7:15. Daniel’s carry on bag has plenty of room so I fill it with the remaining four boxes of White Cheddar Cheez-Its, which are inventory that will not get consumed once Daniel leaves. Maybe I should keep one for old times’ sake. To eat alone some future night when I’m missing him, so I can eat a few and then smell that White Cheddar Cheez-It smell on my fingers, hear the crunch of the crackers and the crackling of the bag and think of Daniel. Well I can always buy a box if I really need to.
I stuff the fourth box into the bag and hand it to Joe.
We are the third and fourth to check in for our flight to LAX. San Luis Obispo airport feels strangely roomy without American Eagle and Delta Connection here. The security line never gets long. There are plenty of seats at the gate. When the agent comes through and says it’s time to board, everyone stands up. No other airline has a flight going out. There’s no question which flight is departing.
We land at LAX twenty minutes early and taxi to the gate. Without delay, from the second row, we deplane. I sign to Daniel that I need to go to the bathroom.
“Lets go to our gate first. I don’t want to stand around outside a bathroom.”
Fair request. We head for 70B, passing one Starbucks after another.
At 70B, our flight to Washington Dulles is in the process of boarding.
“See this is why I wanted to come straight here first.”
I have a very wise son. We pull our boarding passes out and glance around. A woman standing next to us points at the large “1” on Daniel’s boarding pass, and says “your group has already boarded.” He looks at me, eyebrows up, eyes bulging, staring as if to hit the bold icon for those three words “I told you” into my facial expression reader.
We head to the gate, passing up all the passengers holding boarding passes with the number “3” or “4” or “5”, feeling a little important and a little bit late, oddly. I mean gosh, we arrived twenty minutes early.
Seated in 20A and 21A, the flight fills up quickly. I’m in 20A. The woman in 20B confesses that she really doesn’t like flying. The woman in 20C says her boyfriend just told her he’s been sitting on the runway in Newark for two hours in ground hold due to the storms and she thinks we’re in for delays. We depart on time.
The L.A. air quality is brown. Shortly after take off the pilot says over the intercom “There’s a fire out the left side.”
I lift my window shade to a spectacular view of a tall billowing cloud of smoke from a fire in the mountains east of Los Angeles. One of four currently burning, according to the flight attendant on our previous flight.
“He should be a little more specific about where the fire is,” says the woman in 20B who doesn’t really like to fly.
“Oh… like on the ground would be a good thing to add, right?” I reply.
“yeah.” She says, crossing her arms and straining her neck to see out the window.
I reach behind me to get Daniel’s attention to have him look out the window also. It’s an amazing sight.
The pilot gives the usual briefing and then explains that the weather on the east coast is not good. We should expect the first 3 hours to be just fine, but after that be prepared for a very bumpy ride. The woman on the aisle in 20C nods, affirming what she had shared when we first sat down.
Note to self: people like to be right.
Daniel gets out his lap top. The drink cart comes and goes. I watch “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” with Matthew McConnahey. A rather odd show comes on and I turn the sound down. The Simpsons comes on. I take the headset off.
Daniel taps me through the seats. I turn around.
“What time do we arrive?”
“Seven o’clock.”
Time warp. You know when something happens that triggers a memory? Some sort of time machine throws me back about fourteen years. Our first plane trip together – Daniel and I. He’s four. We’re flying to Dallas. He’s in the window seat and I’m next to him. We’ve had drinks, and pizza and we’re about halfway to Dallas, probably over El Paso. Yeah remember the days when the airlines served meals? So the flight attendant has taken our trash and I’ve taken out some things to do from his back pack and he looks out the window, looks back at me, pushes the coloring book back toward me and signs “I’m ready to go to Dallas now.”
I laugh out loud (back then we didn’t have lol). He just looks at me with this puzzled look on his face, having no idea what’s so funny to me. He must think I have all the power in the universe. He must know that if he tells me he’s ready for the next thing in life, that I will begin the process of making it happen.
He must know.
I look back at the 18 year old in seat 21A. His eyes meet mine. His eyebrows shift up to ask “what?”
“Do you want food?” I ask.
“No, I’ll wait until we land.”
I turn back around and close my eyes, remembering the laughter and comparing that four year old with this eighteen year old. I close the virtual book, having read a very satisfying last paragraph. I can’t wait to read the sequel.

Sunrise... Sunset

2009-08-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Daniel's last night in Pismo Beach

We ate a nice dinner at Rosa's Italian Restaurant.

Outside after dinner I just went "wow" at the sky.

"We should go to the beach and take pictures of your last night here!" I said to Daniel, and he agreed.

Before Leaving for College Checklist

2009-08-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

We are both stressed.
So much to do.

Today we...
Confirmed financial aid is in place.
Dropped the bike in a box off at UPS.
Ordered the ATM debit card at the bank.
Closed his minor (as compared to adult) savings account.
Packed up several more boxes of stuff to ship.
Communicated with VR/DOR (vocational rehabilitation counselor with the department of rehabilitation).
Stopped for frozen yogurt.

Just a sample of the tasks in our last few days before college.
Now back to it.
;-)

What is that Noise?!!!

2009-08-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

It's Monday of Daniel's last week before leaving for school. He went to spend last night at his dad's house and will be back with me tonight. I am sitting here working (I work at home) and I hear this low pulsing sound.

"Gosh I wonder if there's a cement truck outside!" I think to myself and get up to look out the window. As I get closer to the window over the stairway I realize the sound is coming from downstairs and inside the house.

As I turn the corner in the hall downstairs and approach the door to Daniel's room, my eyebrows shoot up and my body leans forward as the laughter escapes from my chest before I can cup my hand over my mouth.

"His bed is farting!"

It's a pretty funny sound.

Yesterday he had set his alarm because he and Thomas and I went to breakfast early before they went the the Paint Ball Park. So the alarm is going off again this morning. With nobody in the bed and the sound not muffled, this is what we get!

Simple Simplicity

2009-08-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

There is a heaviness in my heart. Today when I went for my hair appointment, my hairdresser said “so has Daniel left yet?”
I get asked this question everywhere I go. I was ready to cry when I walked into the salon, and when I walked out with beautiful hair, my eyes were dry.
We laughed about a lot of things. We told jokes. We talked about the economy and mortgages and healthcare and a variety of things.
As I walked out she said “be sure to give us status updates on facebook when you’re getting him settled at R.I.T.!” and I tilted my head, tucked my chin, and looked at her through my eyelashes. As I let out a big deep breath, she added “and no pictures of you hanging onto him at the ankles!”
I walked back to my car with my head held high and drove home. Daniel was at the computer and started telling me about how frustrated he had become with the cable company and had shut the modem off for an hour and now the computer won’t find the wireless router. Then he proceeded to tell me about trying to heat up a frozen pizza snack and how he did this and that and one part got all black and another part was still doughy, and oh well.
And I just listen.
Then he says “okay I’m done. I have nothing else.”

And this
Simple
Simplicity
I cherish.

Summer's End

2009-08-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

We have our plane tickets.
We have our car rental.
We have our hotel reservations.
We leave in less than two weeks.
R.I.T. or bust.

It has been a surreal summer. I try to imagine my life without my children in it on a regular basis. Sometimes during the day I just go over and kiss Daniel on the face. He looks at me and says what was that for?

“Because soon you will be so far away. I won’t be able to.”

Transition to Independence

2009-07-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

The Role of the Mother

My personal philosophy can’t help but creep into my blog posts. It’s a major part of this one. And there is actually nothing about this post and its subject that is related to hearing loss.
It’s mid July. Daniel is at the mid point between getting out of high school and starting college. He has worked his way into a routine of going to bed some time in the wee hours of the morning and getting up in the late afternoon. He spends most of his time playing games on line. He goes out to socialize with various friends. He runs an errand for me now and then.
Parenting a young person at this stage is challenging. I ask myself “What do I really want to influence?”
To answer that I ask “What do I want for my children?”
Answer: I want them to be happy. I want them to learn their lessons on their own. I want them to have support and love from their parents. I want them to have a love for life. I want them to see hope, to have goals (of their choosing), and to be working at and toward those goals. I want them to seek independence. I want them to appreciate their community of friends and family and understand the reciprocity of giving and receiving. I want them to define their own path and pursue it in the way that fits who they are. I want them to be in situations that allow them to discover what excites them and what brings them joy. I want their experiences that show them contrast and unveil to them the things that they don’t like or don’t want to be as painless as possible. I want them to have a balance. I want their universal human needs to be met. I want them to want to have me in their life, and not NEED me in their life. I want a relationship with me to be something they desire by choice.
How can I influence all of those things with my time with Daniel in the next 5 weeks?
I don’t have all the answers, but I have chosen not to make a big deal about his sleeping pattern of late. Instead I put attention and focus on each thing that he does that shows responsibility and planning and preparation for his independence and his transition to college. When I see him follow through on making an appointment, for example, I stop working and make sure my attention is available in case he needs any support or decides to talk to me about the appointment.
What I’m doing is following my belief that what we put energy and focus and attention into will get bigger. I don’t want his sleeping pattern to be an issue. So I don’t address it. It’s his responsibility. While I’m here, I put any energy and attention on the things I WANT him to be doing. So going to bed late and getting up late gets zero attention. Making appointments, checking the status of things on the RIT Web site gets attention. I ask simple questions like “What did you find out?” and “Is there anything you need from me?” which puts him in a position of control and responsibility rather than a situation where I am directing or telling him what to do.
In Malcom Gladwell’s books Outliers and Blink, there are several references to relationships, especially between parent and child. I am understanding that the slightest change in the way we say things, the wording or energy or tone we use, can have a huge impact. I highly recommend his books.
By choosing to be a supportive in the way I phrase things, I show interest and support. If I had chosen to phrase things in a more authoritative or directive tone or choice of wording, the message would be “You are unable to figure this out yourself. You need to be told what to do.” That is NOT the message I want to give. My message is “I trust you. I have complete faith that you can find your way. I am confident in you.” Providing this underlying energy of self-confidence boost at this point will be far more of an investment than trying to make sure he understands the importance of going to bed early so you can wake up early and get to a class that might be scheduled before 2:00 in the afternoon.
When he starts school on September 7th, if he has the highest possible self esteem and the highest possible belief in himself that he can do anything (which he does, clearly at this point), and if he is motivated to learn and is truly interested in the major he has chosen (which I believe he is) then he will have no trouble adjusting his sleeping pattern in order to attend classes and complete his homework assignments.
All this to answer the simple question “should I be concerned that my 18 year old sleeps past 2:00 p.m.?”
I also look at the overall patterns and behaviors he has exhibited and our ongoing relationship. Nothing is in isolation.

Peace.

Not Even the Sky is the Limit

2009-06-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Stepping Into Great Adventures!

When Daniel’s friend Topher (short for Christopher) went skydiving for his 18th birthday, Daniel was not yet 18, so he could not go along.

I was really fine with that.
Daniel kept talking about organizing his own jump, however.
Was I fine with that? MMMM….
Time went by.
He stopped talking about it.
I was fine with that.

About 3 weeks before high school graduation, Daniel showed me a note he had written, copied, and distributed to his friends at school. It invited them to go skydiving with him. It gave details of the Web site, prices, location, and included a tentative date.

Wow.

Doing some reconnaissance, I asked Joe (Daniel’s dad) “So what do you know about this skydiving adventure Daniel’s planning?”
“Nothing. That’s completely between you and him.”

This told me Daniel planned the whole thing (date, note distributing, etc.)

How clever.

Next I asked Daniel how he planned to pay for his skydiving. Shrug. “I have money saved up.”

I slept on it for a few days. I talked to my friend Julius. I’ve known Julius since I was 15. His job when we met was packing parachutes in El Paso, where he grew up. Julius has been skydiving since he was old enough to and has participated in thousands of jumps and hundreds of orchestrated formations over the years. He is my “go to” on the subject of skydiving. So I went to him.
Julius and his wife Deanna live in Tracy, CA. He works for United Airlines doing Avionics Maintenance and she’s an R.N. They both skydive, own a small plane, and are both private pilots. They practice and train at several drop zones, one of which is the one they recommended we take Daniel to. Parachute Center near Lodi, CA.
Julius remarked “They’re the best priced and the most organized. Their process is very efficient and they’re very safe.” My trust level was just elevated 100%.

I offered to give the jump to Daniel as his graduation present. He accepted.

Julius agreed to meet us there for the skydive, as long as he had the day off. So I picked a day he had off. Deanna was scheduled to work, but fortunately they had overstaffed that day and she was able to get the day off and join us as well. Daniel’s sister Jen was coming to California for his graduation, so she stayed long enough to go along and watch, and of course Thomas and I were there.
We drove up the day before and stayed overnight in Stockton. Had a light snack before driving the 20 minutes or so up to the drop zone.

Date: Sunday June 14, 2009

We arrive five minutes later than the agreed meeting time (Julius and Deanna have already landed and are sending text messages “where are you?”).
We are escorted into the hangar where we are taken to the place where you sign up and pay, and Julius introduces us to the owner, Bill, on the way. I ask if there is any need for me to go along in the airplane for communication, explaining that Daniel is Deaf. They comfortably reply “no” explaining that they’re not going to leave the ground if he doesn’t understand what they go over in the briefing in the hangar. There’s no further instruction in the airplane. All they do is get to altitude.
Daniel reads the waiver paperwork, signs, watches the intro video, which I interpret, and then we go to the room where they assign him to his tandem instructor and he gets his harness on.
While they fit him with equipment, his instructor and tandem partner Dan explains what to expect and what he will need to do.
“You’ll start with your head back against my chest when we leave the plane and you’ll want your arms crossed across your chest like this"

(he demonstrates and I copy like a silly monkey and then catch myself and point at Dan), "then when I tap your arm, you’ll put your hands out to the sides and your legs back and arch like a banana.”
Mikey comes in, takes pictures of us, and Daniel is escorted outside, with me signing “Do you have any questions?”

He doesn’t have any questions.
I step back. I watch them go. I am pretty excited. Everything is a blurr.
Dan says “our parachute is bright red – all red” as they walk away.

My thoughts and actions in the mean time are much like waiting for your child after his first day of school. Feeling like I might be missing something just standing here staring at the sky. Wondering what he’s experiencing and anxious to hear all about it. Then it’s like trying to find your kid in a sea of kids coming out of the school yard all at once. Each time the sky filled with expanding parachutes, we picked out the red ones and followed them down until they were close enough to see “that’s not Daniel…”
And finally I realize Mikey has just landed, and Julius, and Deanna, so we scan the sky for red, knowing he’s not far behind. I take pictures. He lands effortlessly.

His comments afterward and ever since continue to echo “That was the best thing I’ve ever done.” He also says “the hardest part is leaving the plane. Your instincts – your survival mode kicks in and fights you, saying don’t do it! And pushing through that is the most amazing indescribably feeling! I’ve never felt that before. It’s hard to explain.” Once out, Dan takes him through a couple loops and then they free fall. Julius and Deanna zoom in on either side and grip his arm for the formation experience and we have it all on video. He was enjoying the view and noticing things on the landscape that he recalled afterward – a nuclear power plant, a lake, and the patchwork of the agricultural landscape of the San Joaquin Valley. Julius and Deanna, as we chatted over breakfast afterward, said that most first timers aren’t this observant on their first jump. They were impressed. They said he did well. He remembered to breathe normally, not hold his breath and he had fun experimenting with the rushing air, opening and closing his mouth and such.
Yea for Daniel. What a courageous spirit you have my son!
Photos by Mikey of Parachute Center.
For more photos, see my facebook album:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=26456&id=1029917569&l=11f701470a

Three Perspectives on Hearing (or not) and the Cochlear Implant

2009-06-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Daniel and I were interviewed in November 2008 by a San Fancisco State University journalism student who chose to do a report on the decision process related to the cochlear implant. If you are not familiar with the implant, it is a technology that provides a replacement for sound conduction or transmission to the brain when ears don't. You can google it and find a variety of information.

The blog title above is a link to the 9 minute presentation produced by the 3 member student team.

Daniel, at the time not quite 18, shares his perspective on living with hearing loss and loving life. When you view this, click on "captions" in the lower right corner at the beginning of each of the three segments. A warning: there are photos of a surgery in the presentation, so if you don't like to see blood, skip the second tab (Ending The Separation), or while watching it, move the bar past the middle 1/3.

Some have watched this and then asked "Does Daniel have a cochlear implant?" Daniel does NOT have a cochlear implant. His father and I were told at his exam at the House Clinic in Los Angeles (when he was about 16 months old) that Daniel was not a candidate because of his residual hearing that can be amplified by regular hearing aids. However, Daniel always has the option to consider the cochlear implant now or in the future, and it is this opinion that the journalism students sought in order to balance their piece.

Over and over in life, we find ourselves in our circumstances. Our choice of where to go from there starts with our attitude, is influenced by our determination, and is rewarded by how we apply ourselves toward our goals.

Circumstances change and we repeat that process again.

We exchange every moment of our lives for experiences. Those experiences provide us with information. That data informs our future choices. When each of us faces a decision like "should I get a cochlear implant?" we can look for the universal right or wrong choice, or we can focus on the circumstances surrounding the individual. A decision and a direction that provides a flow with our lives is the approach I take. Pause, look at all the data we have and make the best informed choice we can at the moment, and move on.

As always, I am available to speak to individuals or groups about the decision process and the being okay with who I am process. In that space, where we take time to look at options and reflect on what we resonate with, we do very important work. Do you look for approval from others or do you look for approval in your heart?

Honor the moment. Create the Future.

P.S. I would like to expand on the one brief caption in report that just said Daniel splits his time between his mother and father, who are divorced. It is near impossible for a journalist to accurately represent all the facts when condensing a huge amount of information with a deadline! Overall, I am extrememly impressed with the effort made to represent 3 different perspectives in a brief piece and I think the information they gave was appropriate for the piece. I would just like to also honor the additional support behind the scene here in the blog.
1. Daniel was also living with Joe and Bridgette (and little sis Ryan who just turned 4) in Santa Maria half of the time.
2. Daniel was living with my husband Thomas Sortino and I, the other half of the time. The parental support Daniel refers to is all four of us.

Graduation from High School

2009-06-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

Friday June 12, 2009

Warning: This blog post is suitable for mature audiences only.
I would rate it PG-13.

Thomas and I arrive at 10:30 or so. We find the church parking lot across from the stadium is allowing people to park in their lot for a $5 donation. Done.

Jen is at the gate as we walk across the street. We walk together and find Joe in the stands. We sit. Take note of the perfect weather. Thin cloud cover to keep it from being glary. Not too hot. Not too cold. A breeze. We’re set.

Joe spots Elijah Simmons down at the 50 yard line, interpreting for any and all Deaf spectators who have come to watch the ceremony. Elijah and another interpreter team at that spot, trading back and forth frequently to give each other a break.

I get a text message from our former roommate Jeannie, who was on her way, running late. I send her a message back "look for Elijah on the home side, down in front, center!" I stand and watch Elijah and wait until he happens to glance my direction and I wave madly. He sees me. I sign "Jeannie's on her way! Save her spot!" He gives me the thumbs up, followed by "no problem! Thank you Thank you!" in sign. All communicated perfectly at a distance of about 40 yards, saving me the task of "excuse me excuse me pardon me pardon me excuse me" physically having to get myself over to him in order to tell him that.

I sit down with great satisfaction. Mission accomplished.

The woman behind us was saving a whole row, even though the rules were “no saving seats”. Dozens of people entered the stands carrying balloon bouquets with Congratulations or Class of 2009 decorating the Mylar; the remaining cluster of latex orbs, purple and gold. Even though the rules said “no balloons”.
A couple one row down and to our left are wearing interesting hats that seem to be made of the material they use to make those 0 degree sleeping bags that fit into a tiny sack. They look like they came out of a tiny sack. All wrinkly. Odd thing to wear to a graduation, but whatever.
A man behind us decides to speak up about the no balloon policy when a man several rows down sits down with a bouquet so that it blocks out his entire view of the critical diploma awarding stage area.
Then it gets stranger. Suddenly the couple with those crumpled Beverly Hillbilly’s meet Survival Man hats have been replaced by a much more entertaining act. A woman is putting on some sort of mascot type suit or Halloween Costume made of that sleeping bag material. We watch in horror.
It has four legs and hooves… is it a cow? We watch the woman struggle to arrange the bovine head properly on or around her own head. She pulls it forward. “Hmmf!” She pulls it back. “I’m trying to…” she says to the people she is with who are trying to help her adjust the suit. “I’m trying to breathe through the…” and we look to see what she’s trying to breathe through.
It’s a bull. It has a ring through its nose! She’s trying to breathe through its nose ring.
After several minutes of struggle the woman takes the suit off. Amazingly her hair looks just fine.

Woman behind us starts telling people “I don’t know where they are. I guess they’re not going to make it. Would you like to scoot down?”
Ceremony is scheduled to start at 11:30. It’s 11:30. Where are they hiding all those seniors? In the gym no doubt.

A few rows below me to the right I spot the family of a grade school friend of mine (Deanna Massetto). I ran into them at Daniel's graduation from Orcutt Junior High, too! Deanna's older sister Sherri has a son or daughter Daniel's age.

Together we watch a stream of purple caps and gowns parade out onto the field and into the seats neatly lined in rows on the astro turf.

The color guard stood motionless like I imagine the guards at Buckingham Palace do.
Finally they all have arrived. Those who were sitting rise.

The color guard comes alive, precision. The girl with the beautiful voice sings the Star Spangled Banner. Another senior asks us to join him for the Flag Salute.
Finishing in union… “with liberty and justice for all” I start to sit down. “Flag Salute?!” Thomas asks, with surprise and sounds annoyed. I look at him wondering why he would disapprove of saying the Pledge of Allegiance at Graduation. “I have never heard the Pledge of Allegiance called the Flag Salute before.”
Hmmm. How odd. I’m sure I’ve heard it called that bunches of times. I just do that shoulder shrug and scrunch my mouth over to one side giving a non-verbal eek in response, as a mouse would have as much to say.
The Valedictorians (four of them) are introduced and they give a rehearsed and choreographed speech/performance of sorts, which is followed by a duet. The foreign exchange students exchange their country’s flags with their host students as the Righetti Choir sings America The Beautiful, then Diego gives a speech (remember the guy in the picture with Daniel in my last blog post – the newspaper article? Him!). As the Madrigals have their turn at a musical selection, the 586 seniors all dressed alike grow restless. They text their friend or their mom or dad in the bleachers, find them and wave, smiling for the camera in the stands. Digital snapshots and video clips of each moment in scattered segments are captured in disconnected technological devices everywhere.
Another senior, another speech, and Principal Molina steps up to recognize the staff as well as announce proudly that this graduating class of seniors has already received over one million dollars worth of scholarship awards. He then rattles off the names of over two dozen colleges and universities across the United States, as a partial list of where these students are headed. We all listened carefully for our son or daughter’s University to be named. “…Rochester Institute of Technology…” Mr. Molina includes in the list.

All throughout, as speeches and entertaining anecdotes are shared, students pull beach balls from underneath their robes, fill them with air and send them into the crowd with a volleyball serve.
The mom in front of us and to the right cheers with delight as though she remembers this as her favorite part of graduation. When the black robed administrator confiscates another beach ball, the woman boos and hisses and whines so loud she doesn’t need a bull horn “Aww let ‘em have some fuuuunnnn!!” I would never have said anything out loud myself, but after all these are called Commencement Exercises!
Finally the walk begins. Row upon row of violet robed 17 and 18 year olds file up to the stage carrying a card displaying their name. They hand the card to the woman or man at one podium or the other and proceed to receive their diploma case. Their name is read and they step down off the stage where a man with a camera performs visual poetry over and over not altogether different from an orchestra conductor:

HOLDS HAND OUT IN "STOP" GESTURE
ARM RETURNS TO CAMERA
*FLASH*
WAVES STUDENT TO MOVE ON THROUGH
WAVES NEXT STUDENT TO COME FORWARD
REPEAT.

Visual poetry. Commencement Exercises.

Daniel was in the fourth row, so waiting to watch him file out of the row with the two other Deaf seniors, Lily and Jacob, did not require too much patience. Just enough of a wait to string the anticipation along to a good point.
Joe, Thomas, and I together snap about a gazillion pictures of Daniel at this point. So one of them should turn out, right?
Visual Poetry Orchestra Conductor Photographer snaps Daniel’s picture and I confirm with myself that I’m really okay with that not being me down there working. I don’t even try to do the math on the potential income. Actually I think, hey – maybe they could use this as a way to offset the money the schools are going to lose from the state – senior graduation photos could be a fundraiser!
My mind continues to wander now that Daniel is back in his seat and the waves of purple soldiers march up to the stage. “The Ants go marching one by one, hoorah, hoorah…”
My wandering mind is off somewhere else , but my ears are in the stadium, so there is this delay in my reaction as my brain processes what’s going on around me and I try to realign my senses and come back to the…
“STREAKER!” someone else yells.
“Where!?” I begin to visually scan the field as I bring my camera up from my lap.
The beach ball loving mom in front of us is beside herself. A young man wearing only a g-string type speedo and an entertaining hat speeds from one end of the field to the other at full sprint.
“Another one!”
My camera had been following the first. I come up for air and find the next one.
Screams of delight arise from the crowd as they again clue me in to another area of activity. Like following a well designed magic act, our eyes are sequentially diverted to the next attention grabbing theatrical event.
As the second streaker reaches the far end of the football field. An ambush of water bomb hurling juveniles pelt the security guard that has started to “chase” the second streaker. He begins to dodge water balloons instead of pursuing the nearly naked senior who has just bolted from the stage, not stopping for orchestra poetry camera man and leaving his purple cloak in a disheveled pile in his stead.
Like some sort of instant replay in my consciousness, I realize while all the commotion has ensued, Vice Principal Evans and Dave Hutton are following the “show must go on” rule. Our choir teacher used to tell us over and over “A herd of wild elephants can trample the entire audience. You will continue to watch ME and ignore them like you don’t see a thing.” Ms. Evans repeats loudly into the microphone, slow and steady, “Nathaniel… Michael - Edward… Lewis…” but I really don’t know if anyone is watching the stage at this point.
The last 8 rows or so of students are now standing on their chairs watching the last water balloon hit the artificial turf. I suppose the parents of the students whose names are being called during all of this might be upset but I’m not hearing anyone around me upset. They, like me, have been hi-jacked by the half time entertainment.
They do call them Commencement Exercises after all.
“It’s a tradition” Daniel signed later, after all was over and we were down the road a ways. “They are football players.”
And that, my friends, was that. Graduation Commencement Exercises for the Righetti High School Class of 2009.

You were hoping for a weepy mom going on and on about the more sentimental journey? Perhaps another day. This right now is just feeling like the spirit of fun and excitement. A hint of sadness sits in the corner of my mind. But it will wait for another day.

Front Page News

2009-06-10T09:06:00.001-07:00

Santa Maria Times Features Daniel and his classmate Diego

The only thing I want to respond to related to this article:

It states that Daniel has always done well academically.

That is so not true. I don't fault the reporter(s). They didn't get the information. That's what this blog is about. Slowly remembering and documenting all he (we) went through to get him to this point. Recalling all the support from people who were willing to work with him, saw his potential, had the expertise, and put in the time.

Follow along. More to come! More memories, more stories; past, present, and future!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go clean the house before our party this Friday!

Deaf Can Do Anything, Including Pilot a Plane!

2009-06-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Daniel’s first Graduation present from his Dad:
A flying lesson.
Here are his pictures.

I’ve been around aviation all my life. I started working for an airline in 1984. I believe there are no limits to what a Deaf person can do (except hear).

Daniel and his instructor take off from Santa Maria (SMX).

The local Deaf Community hosted a fly-in on my birthday one year. I looked at the Web site for the Deaf Pilots Association (click on blog title for link to the site) and I think it was 2000 because all the details fit. I just can’t figure out why they didn’t write anything about the day they flew down from the Bay Area to the Central Coast.

Oceano Dunes ~ Daniel flying the plane. Joe taking pictures.

We threw a big pot luck party and I remember it vividly for two reasons. One I was the one in aviation, coordinating with the group of Deaf Pilots about which airport to target, and two, it was my birthday. I knew the weather, both from living here for over 20 years, and from being a certified weather observer previously. We had planned for a fly-in to Oceano with Paso Robles as the backup airport.

Daniel flying over Oceano, looking north toward Grover Beach, Pismo, and Arroyo Grande.

As luck would have it, the typical June weather was fog on the coast that day, so we all drove up to Paso to greet the pilots. Our local Deaf Community even surprised me with a birthday cake!

Here we are 9 years later with Daniel taking his first flying lesson! As you can see, the weather on this June day was fine! Daniel talked about how the wind changed the lift and how it felt to react to that as the pilot with the controls. What a great adventure!

Keep your expectations high!

A Wing and A Prayer

2009-06-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

Or A Fling of A Prayer (Stick)

It’s Friday.

Normally I pick Daniel up after school on Friday, but today he’s going with Joe (his dad) because tonight and/or tomorrow, Joe is giving Daniel his graduation gift adventure. I will see Daniel tomorrow and find out all about it.

So I have my Friday to myself. It’s the week before graduation. Graduation is one of those milestones where it seems life grabs you in one fell swoop with whatever wishes, hopes, dreams and desires you are wrapped up in at this exact moment and flings you into the future whether you’re ready or not.
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/at-one-fell-swoop.html
Sitting here reflecting on this, it reminded me of the prayer stick activity. Creating prayer sticks probably pulls from several traditions and rituals. The basic idea is to decorate a stick,

and while doing so, be thinking of your intentions for your future. It is a physical activity that represents letting go. You can let go of something or someone who is moving on, as in the current situation with my letting go of Daniel. You could do the activity to let go of someone who has passed on, as part of the grieving process. You can also let go of the idea of control over something you want for the future.

By putting the energy into creating the stick, and connecting your wish or intention with the stick, when you release it, you release the outcome to the universe and/or to God. You acknowledge that you’ve done your part, which is to clarify the wish. By letting go and releasing control, you are much more able to work with whatever happens.

These photos are from New Years Eve Day 2006, where Jen, Daniel, Thomas and I made prayer sticks with a group of friends and then walked to the ocean and flung our intentions into the sea to welcome 2007.

You can see how we took natural objects and yarn and wrapped them around the stick, just like my analogy of a high school senior who is wrapped up in their dreams for the future. Then we tossed these sticks into the sea, just like my analogy of how life seems to toss you into the future just as you are at the moment… and whether you’re ready or not! Some drift at sea, some end up on rocks, some surf the waves and sparkle in the sun, and some get washed up on the beach.

Just a bit philosophical.

My tag line fits nicely here.

Honor the Moment.

Create the Futue.

And I might add
While having fun…

With Intent!

Ordering Pizza on the Video Phone

2009-06-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

You know that thing kids do –
they want to eat when you don’t
and they don’t want to eat when you’ve made a lovely meal?!
Normal.

This occurred yesterday. Thomas and I made our usual breakfast scramble with eggs and bacon and coffee (okay Daniel’s not too into coffee yet, unless it’s in mud pie). Fresh fruit on the side. He wasn’t hungry.

I worked with him while he addressed all of the envelopes for the graduation announcements. I put ribs in the oven to bake and had a nice dinner planned.

Thomas and I announced we were going for a walk.

“Can you make me a cheese sandwich?” he asked.

“No. We offered you breakfast. Twice I asked you if you wanted me to fix you something to eat.”

He got this look on his face like “whoa – I must have missed that!”

I continued “so we’re going for a walk now. If you want something to eat, you’ll have to make it. And dinner will be at 5:30.”

“I don’t want ribs. I want pizza.” He said.

“Then order pizza. There’s my card right there. Order it.” I said as we started to walk out.

“Will you order it?”

“No.” and we left.

Daniel text message to me during the walk: The Web site doesn’t accept orders.
My text back: Use the VP and call them.
Daniel: what’s the number?
Me: go get the coupon. Number’s on the coupon.
Daniel (a minute later): K. It’s ordered.
Me: Well Done!
Daniel: LOL ;-)

Seems like a simple thing, but I am continually reminded of the life skills and the subtle difference with a Deaf son. There is such a temptation to do everything for him. Sometimes because of the way I was raised. Sometimes because it’s just faster! However, in the long run, each time I make him do something for himself, he’s getting training for independence.

Seems simple.
Not always so easy.

For information on Video Phone and Relay calls between Deaf people who sign and hearing callers, click on the blog post title for a link to more information about the Video Phone, which utilizes your existing cable and t.v. or visit the Hands On VRS site which describes their service utilizing a computer, high speed internet, and Web cam:
http://www.hovrs.com/common/abouthovrs.aspx

Everything that Matters is Matter

2009-05-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

It’s all in the Physics

Thursday I got a text from Daniel. It said “Friday I need you to take me to Avila Beach for the AVID beach party. I need to be there at 6.” I was pleased. I got a day’s notice.
On the way to Old Port Beach, where many groups have gathered for many years for bonfires, Daniel was talking continuously as I drove. Talking. With his voice. This is worth noting, since his normal communication style is to sign and voice both. He wasn’t talking to me. He was just talking, like he was rehearsing or thinking out loud.

As I listened, and caught bits and pieces of what he was going on and on about, it was all about physics. He talked about the properties of matter and threw out a hypothesis that “light is matter” followed by the justification “it’s affected by gravity…” and he went on to list the elements of matter “protons, neutrons and electrons…” and continued to talk. There’s no way I could provide an account for all that came out of his mouth.

Half way to Avila he said “I have to review everything.” I guess he is just preparing for his Physics final. Okay, but isn’t it interesting that he was doing it verbally?!

Old Port Beach sign: http://www.waymarking.com/waymarks/WM2Q5G
We arrived at our destination, and unloaded the bucket, shovel, Frisbee, balls, blanket, chair, etc. I didn’t hand him the beach towel, thinking to myself that’s just one more thing he’ll have to remember to bring home.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” I asked. He had explained to me that he was the one who was designated to show up early and save the group a good spot. I asked but never got a clear answer about what time anyone else was going to show up.

“No, it’s fine. You can leave.” He signed.

My response: lowered chin, eyebrows up, looking at him – ASL for “confirm that” or “are you sure?” or basically the facial expression that means I am waiting for a yes or no answer. He confirmed and I got in the car and drove away.

My thoughts as I drove away? He’s all by himself. No he’s not. The beach is full of young people. There are 50 people there. He’s not alone. But he’s deaf. People don’t know he’s deaf. What if they try to talk to him? He doesn’t have any paper. Oh he has his blackberry (phone/device which he can type into and show to another person and then they read it). He’ll be fine. What if his friends don’t come for an hour?! Well this was his choice. It’s his lesson. Stop worrying he’ll be fine. I wonder if he’ll remember to bring all of his stuff home.

My blackberry began to buzz. I pulled over. His text: You forgot to give me the beach towel.

Okay I guess he’ll remember to bring everything home. I went back and gave him the towel.

Driving away again, more thoughts. I’m proud of him. He wasn’t feeling well when I picked him up from school, but he’s going to this event, and going early. He knows people are counting on him and he’s taking that seriously. He’s demonstrating responsibility and maturity. He’s choosing to attend a social event where he’ll be the only deaf person and nobody signs. No interpreter. Wow. For him, this is progress. He has his phone. If anything happens to his phone he knows how to get home or how to use his resources and get help. He’ll be fine. No he’ll have a great time. He’s gonna do great.

I didn’t hear from him, so I assumed people showed up or he found activities to occupy his time. At about 11:30 p.m. I was wondering just what all was going on. I didn’t want to leave it to imagination, so I texted him to ask if he was going to need a ride home and also prepared to get in the car and drive over.

Just before leaving the driveway, I resent my text and this time he sent a text back saying that I could come pick him up.

When I arrived the group was in the process of packing up and carrying things to cars. His AVID teacher had just walked up the ramp with an armful of items for his car. “Did you have a nice evening?” I asked him. He was genuinely happy and relaxed. Something I haven’t often seen at about midnight from a chaperone after spending a few hours with energetic teenagers at an outdoor event. He smiled big and replied “Yes. We had a great time!”

I could see Daniel on the beach below, preparing for some ‘see how much you can carry at once’ contest, with the beach chair in a bag over one shoulder, the blanket over the other, the bucket crammed with stuff, trudging through the soft sand. I smiled. All was well.

His eyes were closed most of the way home and he went straight to bed, but the next morning we got a few stories about the previous evening. He carried a block of 2x6 up the stairs and he showed Thomas and I…

“I took one of those metal coat hangers someone brought for marshmallows and held it in the fire for a while…” he described the activity in classic ASL story telling style (so I’m translating to English). “It became a glowing beautiful intense red and I touched it to a piece of wood and saw the smoke waft away from the wood as it made the burn mark. You know the heat from the fire travels up the metal wire so I couldn't hold onto it with my bare hands. I used the beach towel to hold it. Then I decided to make this. I’m going to take it into the classroom on Monday and leave it as my memento.”

Then he talked for several minutes about the physics of fire and heat and energy transfer. He didn’t talk about the social activities. He couldn’t talk about what people talked about because he simply didn’t have that information to share. He didn’t talk about games or Frisbee throwing. He didn’t talk about what this girl did or what that boy did. He talked about what mattered to him; understanding matter.

Fascinating.

His Sister Was An Inspiration

2009-05-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

Our Throwers

When track season started this year, Daniel said “I’m only doing track for fun this year.”

"Okay." I said, wondering if he thought I was thinking otherwise.

Then he added “I’m doing track because of Jennifer.”

Here’s a shot from CIF Finals in Cerritos the year Jennifer won CIF, her Junior Year (Daniel was in 8th grade).

He is three years younger than Jen, and we dragged him along to many an away meet. We’d hang out for hours under the canopy tent, taking turns sitting on the ice chest, tossing the shot back and forth, waiting for Jen or her teammates' flight to throw. It really was a great experience watching the top competitors in a sport, going to CIF, going to state. My experience as a mom is being Jennifer’s mom and Daniel’s mom, and Jen provided Daniel with some wonderful experiences to share, growing up, this being a memorable one.

At the time, Daniel moaned and complained, but obviously the whole experience made an impression. He threw discus and shot put all four years of high school.

Here they are together, competing high schools – she as a senior and he as a freshman.

Tonight was Righetti High School’s 2009 Track Awards Night.

Joe and Daniel pose for the official "pizza eating photo" and interpreter Cheri Sexton politely ignores their antics. ;-)

Another activity closure celebrated.

AVID

2009-05-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

Senior Activities Continue...

Last night was Daniel’s AVID senior/family night. AVID is an acronym for Advancement Via Individual Determination. You can click on the blog title for a link to more information. Daniel has been in AVID since junior high, thanks to the encouragement of his step-mom Bridgette, who thought it would be a good program for him.

One of Daniel’s best friends, Topher Norling, asked where I was when he arrived, so Daniel pointed me out…

We all hugged one another. They have been on several field trips for AVID, visiting college campuses. The group has formed quite a bond over the high school years. This was the night they invited all of the families and each student announced the college or university they would be attending.

Dinner was a pot luck…

And each of the students made a display board showing where they are going to school and why, along with some of the lessons learned, memories, letters of recommendation or scholarships received and what they are thankful for. Being in the room with the kids, I experienced goose bumps many times as the seniors shared their excitement and talked about their experiences and where they are heading.
There was also a continuous slide show, allowing all of us a greater window into all of the students’ personalities and activities.
The students worked together to create a visual representation of what AVID meant to them. They chose a bus to symbolize that they have been on a journey together and talked about the different symbolism they put into this imagery. Each of their faces were in the bus, with a banner showing what school they are planning to attend.
Daniel is the only one going to an east coast school and only one of two going out of state.

I’m proud of you Daniel!

Teaching, Leadership, and Mastery

2009-05-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

Degrees of Balance

I was talking to a teacher of the deaf recently, whom I’ve known for many years. We were catching up, and he made a comment that revealed a thousand silent stories. It was one of those moments that seem to sum up little bits and pieces of other stories you’ve heard over a long period of time, and fit everything into a package.

What he said made my eyes big and my jaw drop. He used to teach pre-school and now he has the older class. He said one of the students was having some real problems and is actually physically hitting him (yes hitting the teacher), but here’s what made my jaw drop… he said “and this class is still actually a relief compared to having the preschool class.”

“I couldn’t continue with the preschool. I had just had it.” he admitted.

His very few words rang true. I know a woman who has worked as an aid in a deaf preschool classroom. She told me stories of a boy who would become so violent they would have to remove the other children for safety reasons. The boy would destroy the classroom; climb onto bookshelves, throw chairs, rip books, throw himself on the floor, and bang his head on things. This was not an isolated incident. It would happen several times during the year, probably stress induced.

Another good friend of mine who has been teaching in a special education classroom for many years recently had to just walk out; quit her job. She could not take it any more.

It reminded me that my Daniel, too, had experienced frustration, periods of behavior that warranted special education behavior plans on several occasions, and that neither I nor the teachers or administrators were masters or experts. None of us had dealt with a child with these specific issues before. We did what we could with all that we knew.

We rely so much on our teachers and other professionals when we are parents of children with special needs. There are extremes. Is it fair to expect a teacher to make up for all of the other inadequacies in a child’s life? Is it reasonable to expect one teacher to be able to design, operate, and maintain a curriculum in special education that meets the diverse criteria for 4 or 8 or 12 very unique Individual Education Plans (IEP’s)? What is our definition of success? What are our goals?

I was watching The Dog Whisperer this week on the National Geographic Channel, as I often do, and this particular episode focused on the value of the pack. There were several examples in the one hour show, but each showed an example of how Cesar Millan could work with any dog one on one, but some dogs would make remarkably better progress when placed in the pack.

In case you’re not familiar with Cesar, his philosophy, or the show, he works with dog owners to rehabilitate dogs who have unwanted behavior. He focuses on dog psychology, which means he teaches people to understand how dogs think/act/work/behave in nature. He talks in each case about how to bring the dog back into balance. He talks about the energy in all of the surrounding people and other dogs, usually focusing on the owners. He refers to the dogs with problems that he is working with as unbalanced dogs, and his purpose in each case is to help return the dog(s) to balance.

In the natural world for dogs, they run in packs. Cesar keeps and manages a pack of dogs, usually ranging from 20-40 dogs, and as needed, will use this balanced pack of dogs to help rehabilitate the unbalanced dog(s). It is an amazing thing to watch, and I highly recommend the show. My purpose in bringing this up is to now compare this to humans. We are social creatures. We also run in packs, so to speak. Tribes. Social organizations. Churches. Families. Schools. Individual classrooms.

When you look at the master that Cesar Millan is with dogs, and think about the mastery required to work with unbalanced dogs, it is easy to then imagine a room full of children who may be unbalanced in various ways (especially if they’re in special education), and the mastery and focus required to manage that pack of kids for several hours a day.

I watched the show; watched Cesar watching the dogs. He has many many years of experience in watching the energy of dogs and he knows what to watch for and what signs the dogs give when they are about to go into what he calls the red zone. The red zone means trouble is eminent, a fight is likely, and you must act quickly to separate and isolate the instigator.

What if you have one of these red zone kids in your classroom and you’re the teacher who is responsible for managing this classroom. Cesar explains on his show that he knows every single one of his dogs. He has worked with them to establish balance and to establish himself as a pack leader. In one part of the show he was bringing three dogs that were rescued from Hurricane Katrina back to his center in Los Angeles. When he assessed the dogs, he explained that one dog was ultra aggressive and that this was just how this particular dog had learned to manage its insecurity and life on the streets. He chose to bring this dog into the pack first, leaving the other two rescued dogs outside for the time being. He explained why and demonstrated the extra care needed to keep attention focused on this situation of introducing this dog into the pack.

First, he wanted to observe all of the dogs to insure safety – no fights. He didn’t know and couldn’t trust this new dog. Second, he wanted to watch the new dog carefully to observe its behavior, so that he knew what issues he was going to need to work on to bring the dog back to balance. Cesar has learned so much about how to rehabilitate dogs in his years of trying different approaches and he does a wonderful job episode by episode in The Dog Whisperer, showing us more and more of the elements of successful rehabilitation.

I’ve noticed that what he’s learned and what he demonstrates in his lessons, are examples of leadership, and the importance of calm assertive energy. But in the episode this week he drove home a new point(for me), and that was the value of the pack. He had dogs with issues that would have taken him an enormous amount of time to work with to change their behavior. Instead of taking so much of his time, he chose to bring them to Los Angeles to allow them to be with the pack. The pack did the work and the teaching for him, and in record time. Because he had established a balanced social system, he could bring one unbalanced dog into the pack and the pack would teach the other dog through their behavior how to behave. It is remarkable to watch.

Using all of this information as reference, the position I have long taken is confirmed again. I advocate for looking at every child as special and unique. I advocate for looking at every student as capable of being balanced and healthy. I look at every individual in terms of potential. I advocate for starting with assessment by qualified masters (and I acknowledge that there are not enough of them), and following that with appropriate placement and goals.

We have a good system. We have a few good leaders. Lets support one another and do the best we can with what we have. Seek balance. Love each other. Be kind. Be realistic. Take a break when you need one. Take care of yourself.

And as we draw to a close on another school year, take the time to thank a teacher.

This blog post is dedicated to all of Daniel’s teachers.

I was going to name them all, but then I thought oh dear, if I miss one I would feel terrible (and when you get to junior high and high school there get to be so many, I would not want to list many and leave some out!)

Photo Credits

Toothless Girl throwing tantrum found at
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-503921/Child-temper-tantrums-sign-disorder.html

Pack Dogs at the Pool and Cesar Millan photos found at
http://www.cesarmillaninc.com/tips/quick_summer.php

Incidental Learning

2009-05-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

An Obvious Last Date

How many times have you seen an interaction at a distance, noticed the body language, and wondered what was going on? Don’t you develop your own story of what might be happening from your imagination and from what information you do have about these people? Do you remember a time when after you created your own story, you then had them or someone else tell you what just happened? Did you then feel more informed? Can you imagine if nobody ever filled you in, how you would be left to your own imagination and be somewhat disconnected from the facts of the matter?

This is what causes children with hearing loss to fall behind in social development. Unless someone directly informs the person not hearing about what was said, they may never know. Thanks to many other parents of deaf children before me and thanks to many educators of the deaf, this issue was made clear and found its way to the top of the priority list. Through reiteration of its importance at IEP meetings and workshops on language development in deaf children, and through practice in real life situations, the concept became integrated into our way of being.

Today I said to Daniel “so what do you want to have for dinner?” and he shrugged. “Sushi?” I signed.

He gave me the “yeah, right” look and signed “I don’t like sushi!!!!”

I reminded him that sitting at the grill watching the chef cook at Yanagi’s was a sushi restaurant.

“Oh, okay!” he said. And that’s what we did – with our friends Janice and Carmen. The four of us had a wonderful time and the chef asked how to sign thank you before he finished and walked away.

It’s about the experience. Yes the food tastes good, but enjoying food can be a rich experience when combined with a social setting. The social-emotional association with a particular food can increase or decrease our desire to eat it the next time. The experience at Yanagi's is full of opportunity. Interacting with the chef is fun. Having random strangers at the grill with you is fun. You never know what unplanned element will emerge! Daniel and our chef enjoyed conversing (I was interpreting). Daniel told him at one point, “this is better than being stuck in the back kitchen cooking by yourself, right?” and he gave Daniel a big affirmative nod and a smile.

At the other end of the grill station (customers can sit around 3 of the sides – we were on one side and they were on the other) was a man and a woman. The chef asked them “first date?” and the man replied “almost…”

Throughout the meal, we girls could all hear the man talking (quite loudly) to the woman. I whispered to Carmen “I would so not go on another date with him!” and she said “me either!” and once they left, we talked openly about the things he said, and I got Daniel into the discussion, and he started commenting on what he noticed from the body language and facial expression the man was displaying and then we talked about how the woman just ate and didn’t get much of an opportunity to talk. We explained that he didn’t ask her about her – he only talked about himself.

There are two things I noticed. One was that all of us, including Daniel and the chef, were interpreting what was going on between this man and woman, and we all seemed to assess it the same way. Second, being exposed to sign language and non-verbal communication has made me so much more aware of what is going on and the richness of cues and clues in communication available to everyone, if we only pay attention. Communication is so much more than words. Daniel’s incidental learning lesson tonight was on the topic of how to handle himself on a date.

We jokingly told him on the way out, “and if the girl eats quickly or eats a lot and is ready to go, it means the date is NOT going well!” and he nodded in agreement. “If she eats slowly and talks more and listens and engages in conversation, then you’re heading for a second date.” He smiled and added “I read an article recently that said you should ask her questions and listen. Not talk about yourself. Just listen. Be interested.”

I think he’s eager to practice. ;-)

Oh and incidentally, he ate some sushi.

Photo credit: google images, flickr

Ironically, I talked about Not Hearing on the Radio!

2009-05-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

On the Show with Dave.

San Luis Obispo Radio show host Dave Congalton interviewed me on the Hometown Radio Show on KVEC AM on Tuesday, May 12, 2009. He gave me the opportunity to talk about raising Daniel. To prepare, I reviewed some of the stories about Daniel’s first 18 years. I was overwhelmed with how much material I had to work with! Ha! When the show was over I felt like I hadn’t talked about anything at all. As I listened to the podcast afterward, I realized we did actually talk about a few things, but it felt like we barely touched the surface.

One of the questions that Dave asked was “what would you do differently if you knew then what you know now?” It was very difficult to imagine going back in time with this knowledge I have now. At the time (and if you listen to the podcast you can hear me struggle with his question) I could not isolate myself from the whole system. I could not imagine going back to 1991 in a time machine and redoing the experience “knowing what I know now”. Why? Because what I know and what all of us know and have accomplished has been learned and accomplished together. I participated in so much shared learning and witnessed and experienced so many technological advancements that I couldn’t comprehend disconnecting myself from all of it – the whole experience – and answering his question in the way I was perceiving it.

So I turned it around and made the question “how would I advise parents with a newly diagnosed child with a hearing loss today?” and answered that. Let me try to explain what I think I had my brain wrapped around that didn’t allow me to provide a snappy answer, because I think it’s also the point I try to make about IMPACT. IMPACT is the parent organization I joined in about 1994 and continue to participate in, as a member of the board of directors.
At the deepest level, I am a connector. It is one of the main characteristics that influences much of what I do. I seem driven to connect people with resources, questions with answers, issues with solutions. I just want things to work out. I see potential so I want to see it realized. Part of this is seeing the world as one whole system and seeing systems within systems. This is why I think the way I do and hopefully it helps explain my perspective.

Babies are part of families. Families are part of larger families as well as various groups within the regional communities in which they live. From there, there are associations based on ethnicity, culture, interests, religion, sports, politics, and hobbies, to name a few, and those various associations tie us all together all over the globe. Any one person with one issue cannot be isolated from the whole system. As Daniel was born, so were many others, also with hearing loss. As he and his generation developed, technology developed. Philosophies evolved. Attitudes shifted. Laws were passed. News was spread. Businesses changed. Public buildings changed. Public policies changed. Advocacy further educated everyone. Deaf adults, parents of Deaf children, and the Deaf community increased public awareness of their issues, their rights, and their progress in obtaining equal access. Movies were made that touched on issues connected with deafness, and more and more t.v. shows integrate hearing loss issues and deaf actors; both in drama and reality television. Captions were made available on t.v. and on movies in theatres. TDDs were thrown into the closets as we became used to Sidekicks, text messages, email, blackberry’s and video phones (VP’s).

In my attempt to conjure an image of “knowing what I know now, if I had to do it all over again” I would have had more questions, first and foremost, do I get to take all of the changes and advancements with me when I start over with Daniel as a baby? So you can see how it was just much simpler to drop the whole complex mind warp I was dealing with and reframe the question so that we could start off today with a baby instead of making me go back in time. Phew!

Dave tells me I think too much. Yep.

Anyway, the answer is develop language and communication. Study it. Figure out what it is. That’s my advice. In the end, technological advancement, attitude shifts, laws and public policy do not change basic human needs. Connection. Love. Sharing. Giving. Receiving. What makes you feel wanted and needed and loved? How can you create an environment where another human being can feel safe, encouraged, and can exchange ideas in a playful and respectful space? Where does language develop? How does it develop?

If you’re a parent of a child with a hearing loss, ask those questions. Those questions and more like them will lead you to the most appropriate path for you and your family. May the questions shape your quest and may the moments together bring you joy.

Big Hug? or Hard Work?

2009-05-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

Mother’s Day 2009

I woke up at my sister Carolyn’s house. I had two text messages – one from a friend saying Happy Mother’s Day and one from Daniel asking if I had driven off with his Physics and Pre-Calc books in the car. Oops. I had attended the IMPACT Symposium the day before in Modesto; a nearly 5 hour drive from my house. I spent the night at my sister’s because it was only a 2 hour drive after the Symposium.

I drove home after lunch, arriving shortly after 5:00. He came into the garage and opened the passenger door before I had even turned the engine off. He never does this. He can, if he’s upstairs and has his feet on the floor, feel the vibration of the garage door opening. He has to stop and feel in order to figure out if it’s the garage door or the train going by.

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked. I thought he was just really eager to get his Physics book.

I looked at him, eyebrows up, which means I am listening, go ahead.

“Can you give me 10 minutes before you come in the house?” and then I noticed the excited, proud energy in his face as he waited for my reply.

I turned the car off.

“Yes. Just come get me when it’s okay to come up.” He gave me that are you sure? look and I nodded. He hurried back toward the door into the house and turned back to me as he stepped inside.

“It smells really good!”

I smiled. I unloaded the car. He came back and got me. I had not left him a huge refrigerator full of groceries, so I was very curious what he had come up with.

Once upstairs, he presented me with a rolled up quesadilla, cut up apple, salad, and chocolate truffles for dessert. He sat me down and went to get tator tots out of the oven.

“Did you make yourself dinner?” I asked, not seeing his plate.

“There was only one tortilla. That’s why I rolled it up. I was thinking like sushi, you know?”

“Ohhh” I gave him a sad I’m so sorry face (about there being only one tortilla). I asked him if he had eaten the pizza I had bought for him.

“What pizza?” but he was headed toward the fridge before I could answer.

He baked his pizza and then we sat on the couch and watched a movie together.

For dessert, we shared the chocolate.

Yum!

(actually there were 3 - we each ate one and we're saving this one for breakfast tomorrow!)

What a great Mother’s Day dinner! I am so grateful for this time we had together and his delight in fixing my dinner! It was heart-warming to realize that a brief outing with a friend the weekend before had been to buy me a card and the truffles.

Inside of card: guess which one I am!

The day ended with many hugs.

His added personal quote: "Dream forward, use the love as your drive to succeed"